Damn girl clean ur room before u paint a selfie
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I just got excited opening a new pack of socks. Being an adult is stupid
People with fireplaces look at you funny when you say “oh I see you have a s’mores maker”.
♫ Why do birds suddenly appear, every time you are near? Just like me, they long to be… ♫
Wait, hang on…my bad, those are vultures.
My subconscious wants Thai food but my inner goddess wants pizza.
*takes bite of Pringle* yes *nods at date then waiter* we’ll have the tube
[Morgan Freeman narrating my life]
*extended period of silence*
“What the hell am I supposed to do with this…”
There should be an Uber for somebody to come over and wrap all your presents.
It amazes me how the moon controls the tides from hundreds of thousands of miles away…
yet, it’s a struggle to get my kid to pick up toys from only a few feet away
They: ‘ Where are you from?’
Me: ‘I’m from 80s.’
Me: Can you tell the girl in the white dress I think she’s hot?
Priest: Absolutely not
my fav thing at work is asking “can i have your name?” to customers. they dont understand, thats mine now. i am damian now. not you. you lost that. you gave it to me.
Since joining twitter I’ve started 2 new collections ………. Dust and cobwebs !
Grey Goose and Red Bull, because two sets of wings is better than one.
A smart woman knows when to give up and walk away
A southern woman has a shotgun and a shovel named give up and walk away
{Comes home after watching Beauty & the Beast}
ME: *Throws dumb non-singing teapot on the ground* You’re not even trying.
I’m asking my mom for a small loan by pretending to be a Nigerian prince.
the lights on this hospital in my hometown have gone out in a majorly unfortunate way :/
I love it when all my iPhone apps tremble in fear when I’m about to delete one of them. Makes me feel like God.
Satan: Welcome to Hell. Did you happen to be a Twitter user when you were alive?
Me: Yes
Satan: Oh okay then we can skip orientation.
the average goat is 9 carrots tall if you measure goats in carrots
Me: Wanna go for a wa—
Dog: [has already brought me leash, phone, travel water bowl, passport]
What genius called it road rage and not locomotive?
Banker: So, you’d like a loan, to start an all marsupial fighting championship?
Me: Yes. I call it Mortal Wombat.
Banker:
Me:
Banker: I’m in.
Those 5 donuts I ate are really going to give me an extra boost during my workout today.
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
90’s style insults need to come back.
Been itching to tell someone they need to go to the clue store to get one.
Me: Do you want to get dressed up for Thanksgiving dinner?
Husband: Sure! What should we wear?
Me: Shoes?
“Hello, my name’s Drew and I’m an addict”
“Sir, this is a cheese counter”
I love when SVU recycles actors years later as if I won’t know this is the same woman who put a child in an igloo cooler and set it sail on the Hudson in 1999
[speed dating]
HER: I guess I’m just looking for someone who’s like my father
ME [trying to impress]: a bunny’s favorite music is hip hop