I don’t need a partner in crime, I got this shit.
I may however need an alibi.
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I’m so sick of unexpected character deaths for shock value. This is a terrible pilates video.
If people start referring to your outfits as “get-ups,” you might want to start rethinking some of your fashion choices.
When someone tells me that the best part of their job is getting to talk to people all day, I’m too frightened to ask what the worst part is.
[skywriting]
Karen, do you have the checkbook? The skywriting guy won’t let me out of the plane until he gets his deposit.
Mom
She gave me life
She gave me love
She gave me sarcasm
She gave me the ability to
cut brake lines so that it
looks like an accident.
I would rather see my husband with another woman in his arms than a hammer in his hand.
Nice hourglass figure, girl. Wanna come back to my place and stand on your head so my friends and I can keep time while we play Pictionary?
[first weekend away from the kids]
ME: lemme sleep 5 more minutes
PRISON GUARD: ma’am your husband posted bail Friday
[PAPARAZZI] Bugs Bunny is it true u were shot by Elmer Fudd
[BB]°sips drink° that’s ridiculous °water shoots out of holes°
No more questions
I beat my personal best for competitive eating today, scoffing 34 hot dogs, including buns in under 15 minutes.
I don’t suppose I’ll be invited to any more of next doors’ BBQs, however.
Signed, sealed, delivered.
Me: Wrong address.
MOM: finish your dinner
SON: I can’t eat anymore, I’m full
MOM: hi full, I’m mom
DAD: *drops an entire steak onto his khakis*
Pouring a bucket of white marbles into the hippo pen will result in a lifetime ban from the zoo no matter how hungry they looked.
Hey doofus, the fashion police called.
Your father died last night on duty.
He wanted you to have this.
“Slim fitting houndstooth peacoat*
My buddy telling me to invest in crypto I’m like dude I haven’t even figured out regular money yet
Cops: put your hands where we can see them
Invisible man:
Close your eyes. Picture a world without hunger. Open your eyes. I ate your sandwich.
Did you dream of me, baby?
-Are you a swimming pool full of Lucky Charms & milk?
No, silly.
-Then no.
[first date]
Date: I like bad boys, and sensitive guys
Me: [slowly uncovers Golden Girls tattoo]
Me)Print
Printer)No
Me)Print
Printer)No
Me)PRINT
Printer)No
Me)PRINT!!!
Printer)Here’s 8,000
I dropped my soap in the shower. On purpose. Nothing happened. You guys are full of it.
These are troubling times, but as an incredibly drunk philosopher once said, “you can’t make lemonade without breaking a few eggs”
I’m really trying to care about this Queen dying but she didn’t even put out any good songs
when your pet decides to sleep on your bed
“can I have 2 sausage & cheese biscuits”
That’ll be $2.60
“with egg”
$7.78
NVM no egg
$17.83
“What?”
[at gun point] give us ur wallet
JERRY: So apparently, the body keeps the score.
GEORGE: The body, eh?
KRAMER: Oh yeah.
GEORGE: I don’t know what my score is, but I got a feeling I lost.
JERRY: Two seconds you’ve known about this. You’re already sure you’re losing?
GEORGE: If a score’s being kept, I’m losing.
Please look at this text I just received from my boyfriend and yes you have the same amount of context as I do
When I am really mad, I pronounce your name as frenchly as possible.
I used humor as a defense mechanism.
Also bear traps.
You can’t be too careful.