Me: Try to make a sandwich while doing a handstand.
Genie: That’s not really a wish, you know.
Me: I said handstandwich!
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A lady posted her grandmother’s brownie recipe, so I tried making them. Turns out her grandma was a terrible cook
*I describe my lost cat to the cops*
Sketch Artist: *draws my cat*
Detective Dog: *adds WANTED DEAD OR ALIVE beneath the picture*
Enrique:I can be your hero baby
Me:I’m good
E:I can kiss away your pain
Me:Nah
E:You can take my breath away
Me: *smothers him with pillow
Everybody: *Was Kung Fu fighting*
Everybody: *Hurts*
Me:*Chewing* These pot brownies are disgusting.
Him: That’s a dish sponge.
Me: Oh no! That means –
*Sees all the tea cups eating my Doritos*
Wife: Sometimes women like bad boys.
Me: Well I just replaced real garlic in this recipe with powdered garlic.
Wife: *fans herself*
I’ve been kicked out of my gym for dressing like the grim reaper and standing silently behind people on treadmills.
Next on CNN, 600 hours of guessing what happened to a plane.
very demi lovato saying their favorite dish is a mug because it can hold hot liquids
Let’s begin by pushing a Nickleback album onto every ISIS phone.
Our tv was on with the volume a smidge louder than societal norms, my husband was watching a YouTube video on his phone at medium volume, I was watching a tiktok on my phone full blast and my daughter walks in and yells, “FOR THE LOVE OF GOD BUY HEADPHONES.”
No one heard her.
[mustard company office]
*phone rings*
“Yellow”
me: yeah I’m a writer I’ve been published online
uber driver: oh cool me too
fly splatting on windscreen: same
ME: I’m seeing a little water staining on the ceiling. There must be a leak somewhere.
CONTRACTOR: When are you noticing it most?
ME: When I look up.
in high school, my mom once asked where i was going from a few rooms over while i was heading out the door.
i yelled “to do drugs!” and she yelled back “haha good one have fun!”
then i left to go do drugs
I love ordering from Panera because it’s always a surprise. Am I going to get the spinach-egg white-avocado sandwich I ordered, or perhaps a steak and egg bagel? Maybe a lovely tomato soup for breakfast? It’s like a don’t-pick-your-own adventure!
INTERVIEWER: Why did you leave your previous job?
ME: Because once they fire you they won’t let you stay.
*starts GoFundMe campaign to buy a soft drink at the movies*
unbelievably distressed by this ad
*takes 5 more shots*
liver: wyd
brain: wyd
stomach: wyd
me to an ex: wyd
One time my husband asked me to dance for him and I performed the entire Lion King musical to the best of my ability.
Ik the point of all cult documentaries is anyone can fall into a cult but I rly don’t see it happening for me just bc I’m sooo lazy and the odds of me signing up for an empowerment or healing workshop are below zero like I hate having stuff to do
I had to rescue my phyllo pastry ski mask from a volcano yet again. That’s right, my baklava balaclava was back in lava.
A good rule is to check the recall list before opening a bag of romaine lettuce. Check it again after making the salad. Check once more tableside.
[Cretaceous Period]
T-REX: *eating pterodactyl, sad* I just wish it were meatier…
DRUNK GUARDIAN ANGEL: A meteor? Tha’s weird but ok 1 sec
That one onion ring didn’t end up in your french fries by accident. That’s Burger King’s way of flirting with you.
I’m a long-term thinker. For instance, the green bananas I bought will be delicious in 2 days.
If you see me out in public but we haven’t spoken since high school let’s keep it that way.
That girl from The Exorcist was a real head turner
Eggplants do not taste as purple as they look