*me trying not to be awkward when I meet new people
Them: Hi, it’s really nice to meet you
Me: Yeah, thanks, my dress has pockets
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Your chances of being hunted by a turkey are low, but never zero.
*eating chips for breakfast at 3 pm*
I wish I had a better metabolism
{1st day as a correctional therapist}
Me: you need to free yourself from the prison-
Inmate: *excitedly unfolds escape plan*
Me: OF YOUR MIND
Inmate: *sadly folds escape plan*
The pigeons behind my apartment are fighting for claim to half a rain soaked hotdog. Fighting me.
Husbands and wives who never fight,
How does your house get cleaned?
This empty bowl of cake batter taught me I shouldn’t volunteer to make cupcakes for weddings alone.
Mailboxes were invented so you know how far away you can be in a robe before you look like a mental patient.
9 million cops in this city but only this police roomba is truly capable of cleaning up the streets.
When a ladybug is orange. Must be laundry day.
GF told me she wanted to write her “biography” & I said “autobiography” & now there’s a chapter where I sleep at my place.
Gym instructor: What’s your main purpose for working out?
Me: Knorr cubes. Yea. Need to be strong enough to break them.
My mispronunciation of French words is a touché subject.
coworker: I heard the cafeteria is serving sundaes today
me stickier than usual: can confirm
Someone invented a yoga mat that rolls itself. If that person reads this tweet, I have a fitted sheet I’d like for you to look at.
After watching a movie you can find interviews, commentaries, trivia. When you finish a book there’s one thread from 2014 asking if the author has apologized for their inaccurate portrayal of arthritis.
Accidentally said “shh” instead of “slow down” and a kid silently ran into a glass door
Cryptocurrency, but it’s just dead people buying stuff.
#rubbishjokes
Noah’s diary – 39th day:“The dragon pie was really scrumptious.”
Woke up this morning, looked in the mirror & said out loud, “You gotta bring it today!”
SO I’M GONNA BRING IT!
*brings lunch to work*
Hurricane Diary
Day 1)I have stocked enough snacks for at least two weeks of an extended hurricane disaster
Day 2)I am out of snacks
I really only wanna grow old so I can get the senior discount at thrift stores
You need to let shit go.
~ Buddha
[ Playing with Ouija board ]
Ouija board: I have a boyfriend.
Cashier: Need to see some ID
Me: You get a lot of 20yo guys buying tampons, diapers, grapes & whiskey?
Cashier: Yup
Me: Ok, here you go then
morpheus wrapping the red pill in a piece of cheese so i’ll take it
[if i was president]
“mr president, is it true you thought navy seals were actual seals that can drive a boat”
this press conference is over
Giving up my job to start a new career as a Minecraft YouTuber purely in an attempt to grab my kid’s attention long enough to find out what snack she wants.
When I die and eventually go to Hell I’m going to flirt with the Devil like “So, did it hurt when you fell from Heaven?”
For valentine’s day, I’m taking my wife to see “50 Shades”.
How long is the movie? I need to know what time to pick her up.
Complaining “I have too many books on my TBR”
• negative
• overdone
• false cause you can never have too many booksSaying “I have enough books to carry me through the afterlife”
• impressive
• dramatic goth vibes
• makes the afterlife sound pretty dope