Me: [trying to act normal]
Nearby Person: hey man are you ok
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Slut: desirable woman who has sex with someone other than yourself.
Halloween candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.
Me: your honor, this man wakes up an HOUR early so he can MAKE and EAT breakfast before work
Him: I-
Judge: THIS IS NOT YOUR TIME TO TALK YOU MONSTER
me: *looking down from a roof* a ladder would only slow me down now
[Interview]
Me: I really need the paycheck
Him: This is an unpaid internship.
Me: Do you provide snacks?
Him: Um, yes
Me: Keep going…
pacific rim takes place in 2020 and the kaiju haven’t emerged yet. but seeing how this year is going, we should be prepared.
[chess tournament]
RIVAL: [plays move]
ME: [knocks board aside. punches rival in face] Chess!
COMMENTATOR: He’s won every round this way
Find a penny
Pick it up
All day long
You’ll have lower back pain
this one time, my ex bf lifted a speaker up in front of my house to blast Bowie’s “Heroes” to be romantic, but a 20 second Geico ad played first
i am:
⚪️ a man
⚪️ a woman
🔘 at a family get togetherlooking for:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 a way out
Be the change you want to see in the world.
*follows husband around house closing cabinet doors
[My son watching a film set in Victorian England]: It’s like they are speaking cursive.
My wife caught me looking at a seagull at the beach so now we’re in this big fight.
i failed a piss test at work you guys. Yeah, I made a poop instead! Hahahaha
I smiled and waved at my neighbour so I bet the first thing she’ll do today is buy bedroom curtains.
I was on my way to the gym and this strong gust of wind blew me into a McDonald’s and 3 Big Macs fell in my lap.
Her: What do you look for in a relationship?
Me: A way out.
A printer consists of three main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light
Her: why are u breaking up with me
Me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
Serial killers have ruined my opinion of people with three names. Sorry Carly Rae Jepsen your music is great but I dont trust you
Dog: Oh the car! I love the car! The car takes me to the dog park! I love the dog park! *pants* I’m so excited I could pee myself!
*pulls up at the vet’s*
Dog: hey, wait a minute…
HER: ”So, what should I do now?”
DOCTOR: “Inform your partner.”
HER: “I don’t know if I can face him.”
DOCTOR: “You can write him a note.”
HER: “That’s a great idea!”
his wife is probably gonna see that
me: *playing hopscotch* you sure you don’t want a turn?
guy: *hugging elevator wall tightly* yes
I was at the shops & the woman in front of me was asking where the cucumbers were
The assistant came back with a small cucumber & she said “yes I saw that but I want a big one” & I actually said out loud “that’s what she said” & yes I think I spend too much time on the Twitter
Texts from mom:
Thanks to the supreme court, now it’s not just women who won’t marry you.
Just fully made my bed as if I’m not gonna crawl back inside the first chance I get.
How do you say “bra” in German? Stopsemfromfloppin
I’ve put the garden waste wheelie bin out. I’ve no idea if it’s getting collected today but everyone else in the street has now done the same just in case.
[son sees me sleeping outside]
son: did you call mom the n word again
me: but she IS a nagger