Me trying to ask someone for a favor: Hey could you help me with this thing? Absolutely no pressure though. Totally ok if you can’t. If you’d rather run me over with a car that’s cool. Are you mad at me?
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Haha I chopped a jalapeño without wearing gloves and then rubbed my eye pls kill me.
Me: Sleeps three hours.
Brain: That’ll do.
[dog people] here’s my angel Rex! he knows 19 tricks & brings me my slippers every morning!
[cat people] this is Princess Murder who lets me live with her.she pees on everything i love. her interests include screaming & eating bugs. when she asks me to kill for her i will say yes
Goose down pillows are great until a feather pokes you in the face. 🤣
Kenny told me if he had a time machine he’d go back to 1955 and sleep with Marilyn Monroe as if time was the only thing preventing this from ever happening.
I hate when people call and say they’re 10 minutes away for a “drop-by surprise visit” and I have to set fire to my house.
Today I spent an extra $10 to get to $50, just so I could get a $15 gift card. My wife is so proud.
Tell me again how your unborn child will not see a screen before she’s 8. I want to write down your exact words.
me: will i go to jail in the future
psychic: no
me: gimme your wallet and empty the register
The worlds largest aircraft prototype is called the Air Lander 10. The helium pumped hybrid aircraft consists of an airplane, airship and helicopter built all in one.
As a kid: the floor is lava
As a parent: the floor is Lego™️
Mechanic: that’s gonna cost $2000
Me: how much?
Mechanic: $3000
Me: what did you say before that
Mechanic: I said “that’s gonna cost”
“So, why do you want to be a veterinarian?”
[pictures an army of cyborg dogs with laser eyes and jet packs]
…I love to help animals.
[grocery store]
me: *reaches for the last big pot pie*
little old lady: *reaches for the last big pot pie*
[kill bill sirens]
Wife’s outta her goddamn mind if she thinks I won’t purposely fall off this ladder to prove we should’ve hired someone to wash the windows.
Kevin, children are allowed to order pizzas. You don’t have to make the delivery guy think he’s being shot at by gangsters. For christ sake.
When your band gets bumped off the set list by an acapella group you’ve been a choired
I hope zombies will come from Mexico.
After eating their way through fat Americans, they’ll be like “Sorry little Canadians. We’re full.”
Ranch ice cream is why we can’t have nice things
I cleaned up my son’s playroom today and it’s so clean now that I’m not sure I want him playing in there anymore
Me: He was choking. Seemed like he couldn’t breathe
Cop: Why didn’t you help him
Me: My dog was sleeping in my lap
Cop: Totally understand
For Halloween I’m just going to put these on and lay down under a house.
me: sord
English: sword
me: why
English: because i like it lol
me: that’s not a good anser
English: oh boy ur not gonna be happy about this
5: Mom, look at me!
Me: I’m in the shower
5: Look at me!
Me: I can’t!
5: Because you’re in the shower?
Me: Yes!
5: Fine, but can you just look at me?!
coworker relationships are so bizarre like i wouldn’t acknowledge you in public but i def know all about how your great aunt poisoned your great uncle for a life insurance payout.
The recipe I’m making specifically says “allow to cook undisturbed,” and yet my whole family is standing around in the kitchen
There are poor, helpless kids in Africa who really need our help. But there’s also kids with machine guns so I’m not going.
Did you know you can gain 20 pounds in 2 months, but it takes 3257 days to lose 5 pounds?
“Stop hitting me.”
-Rock bottom.
You don’t scare me. You’re not an omelette I’m about to flip.