WAITER: Ready to order?
ME: First, I’d like to hear the chef’s special
WAITER: Oh yes he’s very special
[chef in background sheds a tear]
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funny that they call it a bell pepper, and yet the onion rings
10yo checking the weather app:
OH F-Me: LANGUAGE!
10: -OG!
Me: ohhh my bad, carry on
The first five days after the weekend are the worst.
friend: the bathroom is upstairs
me(drunk): wtf? *pees pants*
[reading The Night Before Christmas]
son: what’s a kerchief?
daughter: what’s a clatter?
son: what’s a sash?
daughter: what are coursers?
son: what’s soot?
daughter: what’s a peddler?
son: what’s a thistle?
me: *closing book* Santa is fake. It’s all fake. Goodnight.
Ask yourself, “do I like finding socks in every room of the house?” and if the answer is yes, unprotected sex is right for you.
This morning my daughter lost her watch, mask, homework book, hairbrush and my will to live
Dam, girl. What did you think I was building?
– Beaver
I don’t have a drafts folder. My tweeting style is “blender without the lid on”.
It takes a long time to delete 900 million dollars worth of stuff from an Amazon shopping cart.
person walking by my house:
my dog: I’ve killed people for less
Mother’s maiden name: Mom
Mother’s first name: Mom
Mother’s last name: MomWhy do they even asks such dumb questions?
Me: This is the worst escape room ever.
Boss: This is your job.
My kitchen after I cut an everything bagel in half
Ooh, sorry, I totally misunderstood what you meant by “Come at me, bro”.
I’ll get you a towel.
Shit. Gotta huge job interview tomorrow and I have no clue where I put my prom dress
settle down twitter crush. i didn’t ask your last name to google you. i wanted to see how it sounded with the names i’ve picked for our kids
I saw a diaper ad that said 25-30lbs but I honestly don’t think my kid can poop that much
I love Bounty but even I think this is cursed
‘Here Comes Honey Boo Boo’ is the reason I always donate money to Planned Parenthood.
I’m here to express deep thanks to the wet tissue I just found in the wash that helpfully crushed itself into a little ball instead of exploding like glitter over the surface of every wet garment
My greatest joy in life is when a friend reads a book I recommend.
My greatest frustration in life is when they don’t read it fast enough
Google Pay be like:
You know what they say,
so I won’t tell you.
“…until death do us part.”
*looks at minister*
“What about a Walking Dead situation where she’s a zombie? Then I can bang other chicks?”
Follow, because I write books and you imagine I will impart great wisdom to aspiring writers. Unfollow, because I mostly tweet about squirrels and the dead mouse I found in the basement that one time.
Nobody:
Absolutely no one:
Me: Oooh, I’m parked between two other Subarus! I’m the middle of a Subaru sandwich!! 🥰🥰🥰
“This race is over,” said Donald Trump, referring to the entire human race if he is elected president.
Help! Lots of manta rays have washed up on the beach!
DISCUS CHAMPION: [rising from his towel] I’ve trained my whole life for this moment.
calf- calves
half – halves
self – selves
wolf – wolves
golf – golves