I want a girl who’s crazy, but considerate. Like, if she stays home on a Friday night, she’s not resting — she’s giving the world a break.
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Me (screaming in baby’s face): EITHER KILL ME OR MAKE ME STRONGER!!!!
If you get a big enough mask, no one can tell if you’re asleep at your desk
The human personality is made of five key elements
“I’m so sorry”, I go around whispering to people who’ve just woken up from a coma.
me: I need to buy a train ticket
employee: window or aisle
me: *suddenly nervous* or you’ll what
We never dreamed that one day we’d sit at work and use our phones to spy on our mailmen with our doorbells.
[Concert]
Singer: ARE YOU ALL ENJOYING IT?!!Everyone: YEAAAHHHHH!!!!
Me: ᶦᵗ’ˢ ᵛᵉʳʸ ˡᵒᵘᵈ
My dog gives me attitude when getting his paws wiped off after being outside. It must be just awful to get rewarded with foot massages just for using the bathroom.
18yo is deliberately putting the cutlery in the wrong places in the drawer when he puts them away. So I’ve put some of his game discs in the wrong boxes. Let’s see who’s head explodes first.
them: what are you think-
me: FOOD
All of my passwords are the names of various “Friends” characters. Except for Ross. I’ve never used Ross. Not after what he did to Rachel.
My son almost missed his plane because he thought his seat number was the gate number.
The same kid they said was *gifted* when he was four.
My girlfriend was devastated to find out that my mates call me ‘The Love Machine’ because I’m terrible at tennis.
I bought someone’s groceries today and it felt really good… I took a cart that looked like it had what I needed, bought it and left. Saved a lot of time grocery shopping. Amazing feeling.
I lost my voice.
If whoever finds it could resume screaming at my ex-husband, that would be much appreciated.
Eating chocolate pudding from a diaper is a good way to get a whole row to yourself at the cinema.
They should make fortune cookies with more obtainable fortunes:
You will vacuum the living room.
You will run into the coffee table.
People who like country: “I get it people don’t like country you can put whatever you want on”
People who don’t like country: “I swear if you put country on I will jump out of this moving vehicle run to the closest body of water and drown myself”
💯😂
Bro are you joking? Are you being a court jester right now? Dude, are you jumping around in your jingly jangly hat bro?
It’s actually a good thing money doesn’t grow on trees because I’ve killed every plant I’ve ever owned.
In India, Twitter crush is choosen by your parents.
I pirated a movie yesterday…
I gave it 3.14 stars.
*Me as a detective*
Me: Who’s the victim?
Cop:
M: Who is it?
C: No jokes please, promise?
M: Ok, promise.
C: A tarot reader.
M:
C:
M: Well, I guess a long life for her..
C: Please don’t.
M: ..just wasn’t in the cards.
My mom used to feed me soap as a reward for saying bad words.
#parenting
Thinking of having kids? Practice getting small children ready to play in the snow by wrestling a pair of gloves onto an angry octopus.
Me: Hi, I’d like to order an anniversary bouquet.
FTD customer service: And what kind of flowers would you like in it?
Me: Something that really represents our love. Do you carry crabgrass and poison ivy?
Her: YOU’RE A PIECE OF SHIT!
Me: Well… at least I’m not all of the shit
The problem with Chinese food is an hour later you feel like hacking the Pentagon again.