me: [trying to cheat in an exam]
teacher: I’m married
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If my wife calls me passive-aggressive one more time I swear to God I’m going to run the dishwasher half-empty again
I accidentally hired a wordsmith instead of a locksmith and now my latched threshold has been compromised by a metallic puzzle solver.
thought i heard hailstones at my window but it was just the sound of my bones as i stood up from a chair
JUDGE: i sentence you to life in prison
MY LAWYER WHO IS A HOUSE FLY: nice that’s only like 11 days
son: is this microwave friendly?
me: [patting microwave] yes he is
“STOP IT STOP IT. CUT. THIS IS ALL WRONG” I scream at my cats dressed like vampires. “This is NOTHING like Twilight!!”
If you see a dog by itself, check it’s collar, it might be lost
If you see two dogs by themselves, leave them alone, they’re on a date.
sick of our media’s unrealistic portrayal of Boomerangs , which are weak as shit in real life
Me: *looking at pics* Cute! What breed is it? Looks like a Puggle
Co-worker: It’s my daughter
Me: Yeah, they feel like family, don’t they?
What’s the name of that Tom Cruise movie where he runs around a lot?
Food shopping after I’ve eaten:
“That’ll be $56.93.”Food shopping when I’m hungry:
“That be $1,432.68. Do you need someone to assist you with your cart train?”
Me: Listen, I brush and I floss!! You won’t find anything!!
Cop: It’s not that kind of cavity search, ma’am.
Cop ~ Do you know how fast you were going sir ?
Me ~ Uhhh …. Roughly about the same as you
Cop ~ Get out
If you want to stop being invited to the children’s birthday parties, buy all the littles an air horn for Christmas.
me: i need an appointment for tomorrow
receptionist: how about 9
me: no i only need one
Welcome to procrastinators club. The meeting will start eventually.
“SIRI, WHERE’S THE REMOTE?”
—
“SIRI, BRING ME A BEER!”
—
“SIRI, WHERE’S MY DINNER?”
—
Wife: “She’s either deaf, or had sex with you too.”
Maybe pandas can eat more foods than bamboo but no one has ever offered them a Twizzler.
I got new neighbors today, I hope they like my music as much as the last 9 families did.
7: “I know why pee is yellow. Because you have to squeeze to get pee out, like a lemon.”
I wonder how many mini Reese’s cups I can fit in each cheek before my facial recognition stops working?
Just heard a 15 year old call an autobiography a word selfie
*points finger gun at mouth*
*pulls trigger*
[slowly pushing iceberg in front of titanic]
little mermaid: 🎶I’ll have gadgets and gizmos a-plenty🎶
Writer: My biggest fear is a blank piece of paper
The Rock: I hear ya buddy
[doctor’s office]
Me: My eye hurts.
Doctor: Okay. But first let’s have you step up on this scale so we can see how fat you are.
hey can I use your bathroom?
cashier: only paying customers
jesus…ok just give me 9 double whoppers with cheese, a chocolate shake, 2-
homeless guy said “hey there pretty lady, show me that smile, where’s that smile?” and I said “it’s at my house”
I often choose gift bags instead of wrapping, not just out of laziness, but also because I have the fine motor skills of a drunken panda.
I do my deepest thinking when I can’t figure out why someone honked at me.
When traveling abroad it’s good to learn basic language. “I’d like a beer.” “Where’s the bathroom?” “I need a taxi.” “Just not in my hair.”