Me: *Trying to experiment in bed*
Her: *looking up from her book* What’s with the lab coat?
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saw a space station pass through the sky last night which was cool but what was not cool was that I saw a guy looking out the window and he mouthed “nerd” at me
You god damn morons. All these celebrity nudes were leaked by the Illuminati to distract us from important shit like karate and hoverboards.
Blue smoke – Boy
Pink smoke – Girl
White smoke – Pope
Cellmate: What are you in for?
Me: The free food and healthcare
me: I’m at the age where, if I drop something, I’ll just let it hit the floor instead of pulling a muscle trying to catch it
lady: can I have my baby back
How do I tell Instagram I don’t want to see guys almost eaten by gators?
Me: ok that’s everything in the dishwasher
*presses start and turns around*
Teaspoon: you’re not gonna believe this
Pro tip: If you ever lose your wedding ring, just run the vacuum cleaner. You’ll find it.
Everyone saying “Poor Steve Nash, he got hurt again”. POOR? That boy making $9,701,000 this year. If he poor, then I’m skinny.
Today me is so mad at yesterday me for making plans tonight as if I forgot I was going to be an entire day older
Giving the guy at the park with a machete a wide berth.
My 3yo just had the biggest meltdown and at one point he yelled “I’m going to sneak out of my room in the middle of the night and barricade the kitchen and so nobody in the family can eat food ever again” and I just don’t know. No parenting book could have prepared me for him.
I’m sorry that you guys asked for this but the answer is yes, you would.
Twitter: Ed Asner died
Me: Aw that’s so sad. What a great actor
T: Betty White is trending
Me: AAAAAAAAAA!!
T: She’s fine
Me: Why would you do that?
January is the ex boyfriend you shouldn’t drunk text at two a.m.
Job requirements these days be like:
Looking to hire a caterpillar. Must have ten years experience as a butterfly.
i think only bears should have the right to bear arms
quarantine day 3
There’s a button on this hotel phone that says, “Pizza”.
I may never leave.
“Treat yourself,” they say.
“No, wait—not like that—”
But it is too late. I have baked myself into an eclair
[first date]
Date: how much do you drink a week?
Me: Haha, I don’t even answer that at my check up.
Date: right.. Let’s do shots.
Me: i love shots.
Date, pulling off glasses to reveal my Doctor: gotcha
*walks into bar with camera*
Me: Can I take a shot of this glass?
Bartender: Take a pitcher, it’ll last longer
Her: You need to multitask better
Me: I’m learning to kill 2 birds with 1 stone
Her: That’s goo-
Me [surrounded by dead birds]: And I refuse to work on anything else
I’m running out of lies to tell in confessional but it’s the only place I can sit in silence away from my kids.
Me: [Eating pizza for breakfast]
Gym nerd: [pouring 8 flourescent powders into a gym bottle] I dunno how u can put that shit into your body
good morning
15: ‘I think the Wi-Fi is out again.’
Me: ‘Hey – what a great opportunity to go outside and enjoy some fresh-‘
15: ‘It’s back.’
Me: ‘Good talk.’
My 16yo daughters boyfriend struggled with a capri sun for the last 10 minutes. I think it’s ok to leave her alone with him.
I get it, McFlurry machine. I don’t work when I’m at work either.
A child will either brush their teeth for 3 seconds or for 15 minutes.