Me, trying to flirt with the Mormon missionary at my door:
No sir, have YOU heard the Good News? IT’S THAT I’M SINGLE.
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The pharmacy will look you straight in the eye with no line of people and tell you it will be 20-30 minutes for them to take some eye drops off the shelf behind them and put them in a little bag.
I think I know the stress of a guy disarming a ticking time bomb after my wife watched me while I unloaded the dishwasher.
Husband: *driving*
Me: *breathing judgmentally*
Around my neighborhood I’m affectionately known as “Please stop taking pictures of my flowers you weirdo.”
*Me as Dr. There was a complication so I replaced ur eye w/a mini magic 8 ball.
Patient: Seriously?
*shake his head. All signs point to yes
Puts myself out there
Puts myself back bc wtfff
The National Enquirer got a hold of my nudes and sent them back to me.
non-fungible…that’s when you’re allergic to mushrooms right?
The biggest issue with mass immigration is all those people are going to make Europe too heavy and it will sink into the ocean, and the see-saw effect will raise the far east into the stratosphere and launch Chinese people into space.
Why is no one talking about this?
I say when we bury people we tie their shoes together. If there is a zombie apocalypse, at least it will be goddamn hilarious…
My dandruff is so bad, I leaned over the fish tank. They thought it was feeding time.
When I travel I just throw my clothes in a suitcase because I know as an Arab they will search me at the airport and fold my clothes neatly.
I was shit at school. I turned up to the wrong lessons and sat the wrong exams. The rest as they say is geography.
Sheep
My husband said the doctor told him I can suck out his kidney stone. After 3 days of trying, I think he lied to me.
[first date at restaurant]
Me: *ending call* My mom says no dessert.
When a guy wearing cargo pants hits on me I’m tempted to go out with him just to see how many of my belongings I can fit into his pockets.
It’s so reassuring when your nephew asks for your birth year and then replies with woah, did you go to war?
“Have you tried… not thinking about skeletons?” my therapist asks.
I look at her.
I look at the skeleton inside her trying to trick me.
if I eat the entire box of girl scout cookies at once then I’ll only hate myself one time instead of each time I eat them do the math sweetie
This girl text me: “your adorable
I text back: no YOU’RE adorable
Now she likes me and I was just pointing out her typo…
Everyone talks about finding the one that makes their heart skip a beat. Personally I’m not looking to develop a heart problem
you (uneducated, wastes time): *pours half & half into your coffee*
me (math genius, time efficient): *pours 1 into my coffee*
daughter: do you realize that you talk to yourself?
me: so you won’t answer when I call you but you’ll eavesdrop on my conversations?
daughter:
Long job application should let me clock in to finish them
My signature move is appearing out of nowhere with an emotional support taco
A corn maze, because the only thing worse than trying to get kids to eat vegetables is trying to get them to walk endlessly through vegetables.
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ᴱ*dolphin diving off a cliff*