Me [trying to get respect from my family after eating 12 hotdogs] how many more hotdogs do I need to eat before you respect me?
Mom: we just want you to get a job. Give me the *sound of a struggle* hotdogs
You Might Also Like
My grandma tries to avoid her neighbor who has a crush on her. This is the exchange they just had:
Him: have you eaten dinner yet
Her: I don’t eat
[in bed]
Husband: *gentle nudge* Hey…
Me: *removes ear plugs*
*removes sleeping mask*
*removes snoring strip*
*removes mouth guard*
Hey…
Husband: *sleeping*
First they make you step on the scale, and then they announce your weight out loud. It’s like the assistants at the doctor’s office don’t know anything about women.
My brother just found out he’s having another kid. He’s playing it pretty cool, but let’s see how his wife reacts when she finds out.
Her: I’m breaking up with you
Me: Don’t leave me oh please! Why?
Her: It’s the way you have to arrange every sentence you say alphabetically, it’s weird.
Me: No oh 🙁
Me, 20’s & 30’s: I can’t remember anything about last night.
Friends: You had a good time, then!
Me, 40’s: I can’t remember anything about last night.
Friends: You need to see a neurologist.
There’s never enough good news
People aren’t pleased if you try to turn a regular funeral into a viking funeral. They’re all like “put down the lighter” and “who are you?”
This tweet has been deleted
They just got engaged at a hibachi restaurant — and the chef wrote their initials in rice!
Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let her sleep…….
[Wendy’s]
Me: *confidently walking up to the counter after they got my order wrong* i’d like to speak to wendy
friend: my dad said he was “going for cigarettes” and never came back
me: oh wow me too
[meanwhile]
Our dads: *raggedy beards* let’s try aisle 7
I’m not sure about accusing someone of wanting to get into my pants. I’d like to see him try. I can hardly get into them myself..
In honor of the eclipse, I will also get in the way of someone brighter than me.
Sorry I’m late, there was an octopus throwing pies at me so I was literally… Occupied
If you believe you can pass a drug test by drinking large amounts of water, you’re just diluting yourself.
the worst part about being vegan is having to get up early to milk the almonds
Ah, I see my old arch nemesis, the bottom of the bottle, has arrived.
me: well, you know, change is inedible
her: i think you mean inevitable
me: *spitting out several nickels* nope
[Takes out scrunchie and shakes out my slicked back ponytail] Take the mugshot again.
*wears a ballgown to son’s baseball game*
Narrator: Ursula needs to control her puns; she’s embarrassing her family.
A kitchen sponge is a better environment for growing bacteria than a petri dish.
I’m not much of a wrestler, can this alligator play badminton?
They’re testing the tornado sirens here just to remind us that Mother Nature is not a one trick pony.
Me: What’s the capital of Ohio?
Son: …
Me: It’s also a famous explorer.
Son: Dora?
Me: Yep. Dora, Ohio.
I am fluent in three languages…english, sarcasm, and profanity
Guy- What’s your sign?
Me- Stop