Me [trying to get respect from my family after eating 12 hotdogs] how many more hotdogs do I need to eat before you respect me?
Mom: we just want you to get a job. Give me the *sound of a struggle* hotdogs
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me: [nervously] how often do these things crash
flight attendant: just once usually
Did you know cats are called cats because they’re roughly half the size of cattle?
Apparently, I just ate 39 servings of Tic – Tacs.
my house isn’t haunted i just have kids. shit goes missing at random. doors are left open. faucets left running. and don’t get me started on the screams.
me: the heart wants what the heart wants
heart: please stop drin-
me: whiskey it is
wtf management?!
“Sure, you could bury it but hear me out.”
Taxidermy is invented.
Relationship status:
I’ve put my ear hair in braids.
Get at me.
The best part of being a flight attendant has to be when you walk the aisle saying “trash” to everyone’s face.
Once I burned my Trailer down when I left a candle burning after a romantic date. To keep my street cred, I claimed it was a meth explosion.
When my family makes me mad, I make them eat quinoa. I am drunk with power
If men knew the effect their scent has on women, they’d shower more and fart less.
morpheus: take the blue pill AND the red pill and i’ll show you how deep the rabbit hole goes
me: they both taste exactly the same
morpheus: *waving skittles packet* RIGHT?
me: OH MY GOD
Life is like a box of chocolates. When it’s finished all you’ll have is a box.
Why’s it called aioli and not gourmayonnaise?
ME: here’s your bday present!
BUDDY: [tries to grab it but it won’t budge] did u wrap your own hand flipping the bird again
ME: just open it
I’m scared of buying an iPhone X cos there’s a chance mine might get swapped with Brad Pitt’s and since we look 100% alike he can unlock it
Why, yes, I am dressed for the weather.
I am wearing a house.
police sketch artist: you sure his ears were this long
me: i thought we were doing a silly one
Wife: I swear, I’m gonna kill my boss
Me: please don’t; it’ll get better
Wife: aww, thanks for the suppo-
Me: *interupting* no way you’re making me a single dad of 2 while you just chill in prison
When I was a boy we had to invent snow before we could walk 15 miles through it to get to school.
Feed two birds with one scone?? Lol why would I give those dumb birds my tasty delicious scone? I’d sooner hit two birds with a rock or something than give them my lil treat
Had pizza for every meal, just one piece. Breakfast, lunch, snack, dinner. Four pieces total, but I’m 700 calories over budget which makes me want to eat the other four.
[diary, day 3642 on deserted island]
How can I still be fat?
Me: I’m an expert at identifying birds.
Them: Ok, What about those ones flying over that tree?
Me: *narrows eyes and looks intently over the trees* Yes, they’re all birds.
It’s like campers and hikers don’t understand that nature will come to you if you just don’t mow the lawn.
For $60, I will lift the curse. For $75, I will lift the curse & also get bagels.
him: what did you do all day?
*steps aside to reveal 12 cats taped together*
Me: it’s a purrrramid!
[I go to Hell and everything appears to be virtually identical to Earth]
“Well this isn’t so bad”, I say
[I immediately notice that my voice sounds exactly like I do on a tape recorder]
11: Dad, what’s your spirit animal?
Mine’s a tiger.Me: Remember that chubby mouse named Gus in the baby-tee from Cinderella?
11: …