Ads for 2020 would be like, have you ever wondered how it would feel if an entire lifetime was packed into one year? Now you can!
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I have no idea what settings my 1-year-old changed, but she hit random buttons on my keyboard and now I’m a licensed realtor in Pakistan.
Serious question: how long should your hug with the pizza delivery guy last? I don’t want things to get creepy.
The neighbors saw me plow over three sprinkler heads trying to back out of the driveway, so now I need to move.
NASA is launching a new mission to say sorry to the aliens, they are calling it, “Apollo G”
Cardio? Is that in Spain?
My dad owned a convenience store when I was a kid and he would give me the keys to Ms. Pac-Man so I could play for free.
Let me tell you the drunk-with-power feeling that was for a 10 yr old pushing that credit button. I’ve been chasing that high ever since.
My husband is out w/friends & I’m at home w/the kids. I’m going to sprinkle Legos under the covers on his side of the bed.
The asteroid..
A spider jumped on my wife which made her stumble backwards and fall over her bag. Oh how I laughed!
Tweet posted from the guest bedroom.
*wins oscar
I’d like to thank my legs,for always supporting me;my arms,who are always by my side& also my fingers,I can always count on them
I will never forget the LA based company that wanted me to drug test for a social media management position. Like do you guys even know what makes the internet good
[first date]
“You’re not into anything weird right?”
-not at all
*gestures to my ferret army to fall back*
I’ve never watched The Bachelor but I have been to a bar.
I haven’t seen the numbers, but I imagine vampire attacks are way down.
gonna start leaving comments on random tweets like “the power of christ compels you”
girlfriend: I’m sick of you having no sense of direction
me: where did that come from
“Hello, customer support. How may I help you? You’re looking for a refund? What seems to be the problem?… I understand. Please hold while I direct your call to our mean person.”
Trump’s gonna be sooo mad when he finds out that China realized building a Great Wall didn’t keep foreigners out 400 years before he did.
COP: step outta the car
ME: k
COP: are u carrying any drugs
ME: [a mousetrap is in my pocket] i don’t remember but i do consent to a search
No one :
Me when I swimming :
Senator Clinton, what will you do now?
Hillary: Divorce Bill.
Harry Potter: A Shortened Version
Voldemort: I must kill Harry Potter.
Everyone else: Lol, no.
the small neighbor human and i. have been working on a puzzle. for quite some time. we only have one piece left. but we can’t find it anywhere. i hope i didn’t eat it. that sounds like something i might do
If you watch Titanic backwards it’s about a boy named Jack who leaves his underwater home, saves a rich lady, puts a sinking ship back together through sheer power of will and then becomes super poor and dirty
My body is a temple, but it’s one of those temples in Thailand where they let monkeys shit all over the place
scarlet joe hanson sounds like an old timey boxer’s name. “weighin’ in at 182 lbs, 5’9″, the ol’ black widow, scarlet jooooooe hansen!”
You know Santa isn’t real because no man over 40 is out past 9PM.
It’s actually illegal to see your neighbour washing his car and not say ‘You can do mine next if you want!’.
You call it day drinking I call it very old grape juice in the morning
My gynecologist sent me a refund check for $18.70. I don’t know what it’s for but I feel like I need to be offended.