The reason Batman doesn’t cover his whole face is because he needs the police to know he’s white
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every day of my adult life I am grateful that I had only limited ways to put my ideas on the internet as a young person
I’m pretty smart – unless it’s turning on the right burner on the stove
The fake cough I use when calling in sick is now available on iTunes.
The past three months of 2021 have flown by.
*getting kidnapped
Me: Thank you.
Cop: Do you have any drugs in the car?
Me: Absolutely not. Trust me, I’ve looked.
I’m very strong, but not in a get a jar open kinda way.
Being from the Midwest means my signature potluck dish will contain a tub of mayonnaise, a jar of jelly, and a block of Velveeta.
And it will be called something like “Sexy Salad” to let you know I do not actually understand what sex or salad is.
[walks into interview wearing light up Sketchers]
WALMART INTERVIEWER: whoa I didn’t know corporate was coming
You can’t make this shit up 😩
(photo not mine, nor is the pooh)
Don’t date a Canadian woman unless you’re willing to plow her…..
Driveway when it snows
[At job interview]
Interviewer: So tell me why you want this job.
Me: I have no money and I prefer when I have money.
When your lawyer’s lawyer has a lawyer and that lawyer has a “spokesman”…
You’re probably into some shady shit!
You don’t hear about kids eating Tide pods anymore because they all got clean
Yeah, I know what my neighbors wear to bed. Not because I look in their windows; I just see them during the day at Walmart.
Shouldn’t the sea be called an isntland?
Sir, I don’t know how you keep getting in here, but again, this is not what a think tank does
Was driving to a doctor’s appointment and ended up at my favorite donut shop so life does find a way
Nature abhors a vacuum
My dog: frfr
Those gender reveal parties are getting crazier and crazier
[First Date]
Her: I’m instantaneously attracted to men with power.Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.
Like my nana used to always say, “screen shots say more about the person sharing them than anything else”
*turns around in chair dramatically*
Hello…
*chair turns around again*
…I’ve been expecting you…
*again*
…, Repair-Man.
When people write, “your dumb,” maybe it’s not a typo–they just mean stupidity belongs to you. “Here’s your dumb now leave.”
KID: *is crying over school drama*
ME: Don’t worry, kid. All this anxiety and insecurity will diminish as you get older-
KID: *smiles hopefully up at me*
ME: and turn into an ominous fear that’ll follow you to the grave.
McDonald’s manager:
You can’t withhold orders at the drive-thru until customers say “I love you”Me, hurt: I knew that guy in the red car didn’t mean it
I’m not a helicopter mom.
I’m more of a “come & get me only if there’s blood” kind of mom.
*looks at calendar*
*looks at stomach*
*looks at calendar*
Guess I’m telling people I’m pregnant again this summer.
guy inventing constellations: see that square? it’s a fish
Him: Did you make a New Years resolution?
Me: Yeah, I’m gonna be more patient with idiots
Him: Great! How’s it going?
Me: *very deep breath* so so
My cat thinks any questions I ask him are rhetorical.