*packs 12 books to read on vacation*
im gona read so much i cant wait
[1 wk later]
*opens suitcase*
*somhow has 16 unread books now*
wat the
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I like my eggs like I like my nose: runny. Wait. That’s not right. I like my eggs like I like my tigers: poached. Huh? No! I like my eggs li
Before I die, I’m going to arrange for a friend to take my phone, and after the funeral, text everybody to say “thanks for coming” and other assorted messages of appreciation.
me: no thanks I’m a vegan
person handing me a baby: what
Going to change my display name here to “Actually…,” so I won’t have to type it out every time I reply to a tweet.
People get upset when you bring a beach ball to a funeral.
One time I saw this guy on his knees in a bar begging his girlfriend for forgiveness. No idea what he’d done. Anyway, I shouted “OMG, HE’S PROPOSING” and everything went quiet as we all awaited her response. Really awkward
You can tell a lot about a person by how many pet possums they have.
I’ve got this great joke where I kidnap people’s sticker families and leave little post-it ransom notes. Adorable or horrifying? You decide
[Sci fi movie]
How did you travel such a distance so fast?
“I went through a wormhole.”Worms in the audience: Omg this is so unrealistic.
My old classmates said I look the same as I looked 25 years ago.
I still look like a dork y’all 🙈
I bought a bowflex, it’s very confusing, how do I muscles? do I eat it? do I eat the bowflex?
Not saying I’m special but kids these days never have any money behind their ears.
6: My favorite kind of melon is Watermelon. What’s your favorite kind of melon?
11: Post Melon
6:
[sees date shivering]
me: here, take my jacket
her: aw thanks
me: also, take my shirt
her: oh, u don’t have to-
me: [unbuttons pants]
I just drank all of the Christmas presents I bought for everyone
If evolution isn’t real, then why are my hands the perfect size and shape for carrying Starbucks cups?
Did it again.
Ticked the wrong box in an online survey and I’m now officially in the Sugababes
If I walk to McDonald’s and back, the strawberry shake doesn’t count, right?
If you are thinking about leaving Twitter because so many of your old friends have already left, remember I’m still here. And that’s another good reason to leave
“Do you, Phil, take Amanda as your lawfully wedded wife? Will you honor and obey her? Will you take her in sickness and in health? Would you like to update Adobe Acrobat now, or later?”
I need someone to hand me a cup of coffee when I wake up so I can have coffee before I make my coffee.
Safe sex is stupid. Safes can’t get pregnant.
Me: are you going to be a better listener?
Pause
5: maybe is the best I can do
judge: how do you plead
me: *burps* excuse me
judge: you are excused
me: [running away] gottem lol
Friend: OMG! What happened to your hands?!
Me, thinking about how I burned them pulling a naan apart: oh I was grilling a steak and the flames were out of control.
3yo and I were in a store & she pointed at a toy purse shouting ‘I want a pretty pursey!’ but her ‘r’s’ aren’t well pronounced so I never went back to that store again
Nailed it!👇🏻🤣🤣😆
NASA: you’ve been selected to spend a year on the space station
ME: wow that’s awesome
NASA: you and your entire family!
ME: oh ok no thanks
Getting fuel at 2am I was so alert to my surroundings- hearing a voice over my shoulder I whipped around to pepper spray gas station tv