COME TO ME JOURNALBOT
*Journalbot enters my study*
ok write this down: Polar bears are bear ghosts. “polargeists”
[very sad robot noises]
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That curb was easily going 30 mph when it hit my car.
When the company finally leaves and you can let one rip..
that.
“lassie i don’t see anyone at the bottom of this well. are you sure-” timmy felt the paws on his back. his eyes widened as he understood…
DATE: this bread is dry. you should talk to the manager
ME: ok *waves over manager*
MANAGER: can I help you?
ME: tell her to shut up about the bread
My wife bought me a ticket for an adventure on a submarine; did I mention she only bought one.
I couldn’t afford Botox so I just stopped making facial expressions about 15 years ago
[at fire-station]
“I’m putting together a naked firemen calendar and wondered if you guys would like to be involved?”
“Sure. What charity is it for?”
“Charity?”
Interviewer: what the hell are you wearing??
Me: *dressed as grim reaper* : they said dress for the job you want, so…..
How to woo a woman
Sometimes I worry about my daughter getting the wrong ideas about romantic relationships, but as we were eating, I overheard heard her mutter “I’m gonna marry this burrito,” so…nah, she’s good.
No you can’t throw a ham at the rotor blade so it slices the ham up, that’s literally the first thing we taught you in helicopter school
Pick up a book, any book. Open to the middle, and read the first paragraph.
Make sense?
Welcome to Twitter.
When it says “fussy” and “cries excessively” on the medical form, are they asking about me or the baby?
(my first day in customer service)
Caller: I can’t understand you.
Caller’s wife: Omg that’s so rude! That’s her accent and she…
Me: *talking with huge bite of peanut butter sandwich in my mouth*
“Maweee ty ushin the ower off n on”
Since I started yoga I’ve got so flexible I can now bend over far enough to see my toes.
ZZ TOP: SHE’S GOT LEGS
ME: *imagining a woman with legs* nice
ZZ TOP: SHE KNOWS HOW TO USE THEM
ME: *imagining a woman walking* NICE
If you tell your coworkers you sleep in the nude, no one bothers you when you close your office doors at 2pm every day.
Have your tribal tattoo call my tramp stamp and let’s make beautiful, douchey babies together.
[High school reunion]
Person: “Are you wearing the same clothes you wore on our last day of school?”
Me: “You told me to never change.”
No one is more ambitious than a mom with a single day off.
I am waiting for the day we have a national scandal involving a gate
Can’t, busy teaching a toddler gang signs.
PSA: If you end your meeting early, you let the people go. you don’t say “lets use this extra time to chat and catch up”. i don’t want to, kevin. i want to not be here.
My doctor says I’m a hypochondriac. Is that any way to speak to a woman who’s probably dying?
Can I get a Hallelujah?
Hallelujah!
Can I get an Amen?
Amen!
Can I get you to watch my kids for five minutes?
*crickets*
Think about it – every single corpse on Mt. Everest was once a highly motivated person.
Stay lazy my friends.
If I buy the circus the monkey will be the manager.
I did nothing wrong—I tried to do nothing and did it wrong.
I’ve always been such a “waiting for the other shoe to drop” type of girl.
I’ve decided I’m now going to be the “throw the shoe at your head and run first” kind of girl.
Are you there Santa?
It’s me, Midge