[me, trying to join a conversation about Game of Thrones] oh man, there are just so many thrones, I don’t have a favorite really
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“Dog Detective, how can I help you?”
MY PERSON THREW THE BALL AND I CAN’T FIND IT
“Did you check his hand?”
NO HE THREW IT ALR… oh wait
He entered the gym: eye patch on, peg leg in; he’d made his costume himself. It was a pilates class. He realised his mistake immediately.
Do people who eat super-crunchy peanut butter know about peanuts?
Truth or dare?
-Truth.
Ok, go.
-I get sexually aroused by ALF.
Okaaaay…
-Your turn. Truth or dare?
Um…dare.
-Put on this ALF costume.
Around a third (42%) of parenting is pretending you understand your child’s homework
I’m so frustrated at work I’m thinking about eating my Doritos without washing my hands first… or after
6 months ago I made a commitment to myself to get healthy and today I’m still fat because I didn’t do any of it.
My mom once asked if Jack Frost was based on a true story. Jack Frost is a movie where a father dies and returns as a snowman.
ME: i’m gonna join the army
HEAD SURGEON: we say reattach the humerus
*aggressively waits in line*
If you want an honest opinion about your hair, FaceTime your mom, and don’t ask her for it.
I watched a woman clean her whole house on YouTube today, in case you thought I lacked ambition.
A big shout out to my mother who can’t hear me otherwise.
My friend offered me a free pole dance class. I said no. With my debt, the last thing I need to find out is that I’m great at pole dancing.
My teen said she wants to go to the mall with me so we can spend time together, and then the credit cards in my purse laughed and laughed.
me: what do you want from me
wife: a divorce
me: i meant for christmas
When my wife says “Guess what today is.”
Vaguely threatening bubble tea ad at my local mall.🧋
Boss: I’m sorry Howard but we are going to have to let you go.
Howard: What? Why? Oh, is this because I was late? I called you and told that I got a flat tire on the way to work, I even texted you a picture.
Boss: No Howard, it’s because you stabbed Kevin in the parking lot.
Last night my mom made dinner, serving up a nice plate of “You had so much potential” with a steaming side of “You shoulda married Jeff.”
MySpace just bought a pack of Ramen noodles.
me: i will totally dominate the zombie apocalypse
wife: you whine when you can’t find your hand lotion shut up and eat your cereal
First rule of brown girl club: Don’t wear pink & white striped shirts; you’ll look like Neopolitan ice cream.
Garlic and bread is the only marriage I truly have faith in.
Staying in shape is the worst idea, all you’ve done is advertise that you’re capable of helping people move
them: big plans for the holiday weekend?
me:
Magician: Pick a card, any car…
Me: Charizard
Magician: no, like a normal card
Me: Ohhhhh…Snorlax then
If you ever see me sleeping with one leg sticking out from under the blanket please don’t cover it back up, that’s my climate control system
Instagram: My life is a party.
Snapchat: My life is a quirky tv show
Facebook: My life turned out great!
Twitter: We’re all going to die.