ME: *trying to remember name of someone I met 2 minutes ago*
BRAIN: “Nope. I got nothing. Unless you want complete lyrics to 90s songs?”
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I’m trying to explain to my mother how to get pictures off her phone, while we’re on the phone, and everything is awful.
[Phone]
Boss: You haven’t been in work all week!Me: I’ve told you, I always take this week off for religious reasons
Boss *gritted teeth* and I’ve told you, “sharks” is not a religion
PARAMEDIC: this man needs a transfusion
JESUS: i got this *turns water into wine*
PARAMEDIC: he doesn’t need wine he needs blood
JESUS: this is my blood
2 year old runs naked down the street.
“Awwwwwwwwwwwwww.”
I run naked down the street.
“AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!”
If you’re thinking about getting married just know you can ruin the next eighteen years of your life for a lot less money by buying a cockatiel instead.
Rules for meeting a puppy:
1 be cool
2 pet it
3 do not steal it
4 stop running from the owner
5 put it down
6 this isn’t worth jail time
My horoscope said I should kiss you today
MEN TALKING TO FEMALE COWORKER BEFORE METOO:
“You look so pretty.”MEN TALKING TO FEMALE COWORKER AFTER METOO:
“You look so pretty… bUt i GueSs i’M nOt aLLoWeD tO sAy tHaT anYmOrE hAha!”
Date *sitting on couch* I love scary movies
Me: ok but this is pretty dark, it’s about a boy plagued by haunted dolls
Date: Sounds good!
Me: The cowboy one is called Woody
My husband let the batteries die in all the security cameras because he didn’t like seeing his bald spot at a better angle.
me: *gets vaccinated*
friend: now u can come to my wedd-
me: *gets unvaccinated*
*calls ex wife three weeks after the divorce* what kind of yogurt do I like?
Maps used to say cool stuff like “Here Be Dragons.” Now they just say bullshit like “Portugal.”
just found out the danish word for jellyfish is literally water man and am cracking up at the idea that while other languages were naming them after medusa or whatever some danish dude was like “nah that’s a water guy”
Started to watch Indiana Jones and the Dial of Destiny and I saw the warning that it contains tobacco depictions so I threw my TV in the street. Not in this household.
I’ve never been cut in half by a magician, but I have worn jeans on Thanksgiving. Same thing
I’m starting to wonder if I really am the ideal size and weight to test the town catapult or if the other townsfolk simply don’t like me.
Damn girl are you a cobweb cause you’re really clingy and annoying
I KEPT MY CAPS LOCK ON WHEN I SEARCHED RECIPES FOR DINNER TONIGHT AND NOW GORDON RAMSEY IS IN MY KITCHEN
OPTIMUS PRIME: This is just because I’m also a car. I want to be clear, you being inside me is not sexual for me.
ME: Okay but you saying it that way every time makes me feel like it might be.
Haven’t done a pushup in years. Doesn’t seem right with what’s been going on in the world
“I’m the only cop on the force who can play the bassoon dammit” “Not anymore” New cop in sunglasses walks in, just killing it on the bassoon
Boss: Is that beer? You’re not supposed to drink at work!
Me: You’re not supposed to cheat on your wife.
Boss: You’re doing a great job.
I’ve met a lot of dudes named Will; never have they helped me find the way.
[humane society]
Me: Hi, I’d like one medium sized dog please.
Vet: That’s not—
Me: Oops, I’m sorry. One “grande” dog please.
[in bed]
her: u have done this before, right?
me: yes, of course. measure twice, cut once
her: what?
me: what?
11yos doing remote school be like, help me with this, no not like that, no not like that either, ugh forget it I’ll do it myself, seriously it’s fine I’ll figure it out, ughhh you’re so annoying just leeeeeave, wait I need help come back
Let’s all stand up against iron deficiency (but not too fast).
Me: I’d like to have this deer mounted.
Taxidermist: But it’s still alive.
Me: I’ll give you two some privacy.