Having an older dog means ten seconds after you drop a piece of food, you have to drop an even bigger piece of food so they can find it.
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Lifehack: dress your young children in the colors of the food you are serving them to avoid outfit changes.
I totally just realized that Dora the Explorer and Vlad the Impaler have the same middle name
Does my family really expect me to express my love for them on Valentine’s Day when we’ve been trapped together for months??
I worry a lot about the wild animals in my neighborhood but I’m beginning to think that they don’t worry very much about me.
When I’m in a plane that’s full of white people, my new favourite thing to do is to spot another Sikh and shout out loudly to him “Don’t forget our mission”.
My husband said the doctor told him I can suck out his kidney stone. After 3 days of trying, I think he lied to me.
My 10yo rejected a pair of socks because she could “feel the polka dots” if you’re wondering what the girl from The Princess and the Pea is up to these days.
Being the firstborn, I was the science experiment
CNN: The boy who cried Breaking News.
[gets cut off in traffic]
my friend, you’ve made a very powerless & easily distracted enemy
Telling my kids this is why dinosaurs went extinct
“The entire sky is mine to explore!Nah, Ill just swoop dangerously through traffic instead.”- Birds
2 friends and I once pulled the 3 kids in a trenchcoat trick & killed a man got tried as an adult but when they hung mike, paul & I fell out
This is a bargain. I’ve always paid at least $5.
Sometimes when my boyfriend makes a racist joke I am like Ugh why did I even imagine you?
I tattooed the word “WINNER” on my forehead in case I meet anyone new and they have any doubts
[dinner time]
me: what would you like to stare at for twenty minutes and then throw away?
kids: whatever’s the most difficult to make
How long does Chewbacca take to shampoo his hair?
Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog: please break this treat into much smaller pieces
in today’s episode of ‘how strong is your marriage’ we take a trip to Home Depot to pick out a shade of white
My wife’s favorite position was cat style. She’d sit 3 feet away from me. No matter how many times I called her, she wouldn’t come near me
me: what do you know about atoms?
friend: very little
me: besides that
My kids are very optimistic. Every glass they leave sitting around the house is at least half full.
*looks at crushed dead raccoon on the side of the road* i’m thinking Arby’s™
My new puppy is training and gets treats for doing well. My older dog gets treats as well, for, you know…supervising.
“This is BULLSHIT” – enthusiastic manure salesman
[being murdered at work]
Me: *being murdered*
Murderer: *murdering me*
Boss: let me know how I can help(it is unclear who he’s talking to)
haha, we all make mistakes. for example, i ate some oysters that i found in the hotel hallway & now i can see my ancestors
*Sweeping the floor
Lower back: “Time to go out!”
Brain: “Wait, why? We’re not doing anything the least bit strenuous!”
Lower Back: “Dunno, we just gotta”
*cries hunchbackedly
If you’re feeling butterflies in your stomach, go make yourself a sandwich. It’s called being hungry.