I’m giving up being poor for Lent so send me your credit card details
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Would the person who has been writing my horoscope please lighten up.
I exit the pool in slow motion, running my hand through my receding hairline.
Me: What happened to all the bourbon?
Her: Oh, I put it in the chicken.
Me: Then pour me a glass of chicken.
I ruined my diet to finish the last 5 donuts in the office because my coworkers are on a diet too so yeah, I sacrifice for the people I love
*ties husband’s hands to headboard*
*turns out lights*
*opens laptop*“Welcome to my PowerPoint presentation ‘Curtains: How About These?'”
We all know cake and pie are not the same thing so if I ask for cake and you give me pie I’ll probably definitely still eat it.
5: Unicorns aren’t real.
13: Where do you think glitter comes from?
10: And if unicorns didn’t sneeze we wouldn’t have slime either.
Big Sisters: the original fake news source
Im wearing a chefs coat and a stoned guy thanked me for my service. You are welcome, my brother
“You always overreact and make things dramatic. It’s really annoying.”
*raises megaphone to lips*
How so?
I’ve been listening to Pink Floyd for the past 2 hours. I’m about to just go ahead and skip to track 2.
Mrs. Jekyll: I’m eating for two
Dr. Jekyll: oh no not you too
Me: I love you
Wife: I will testify against you if required
After I fell asleep on the couch my sweet 3 year old daughter came over, draped her blankie over me, and lovingly put a Cheez-it in my mouth. She gets me.
me: my friends:
Any question can be a rhetorical question if you walk away fast enough.
[using ouija board]
Why isn’t he responding to us? I’m annoyed
H I A N N O Y E D I M D A D
If I wasn’t meant to have a bowl of Halloween candy for dinner, I should’ve had more trick or treaters.
Halloween decorating with a 6yo is fun. You get to say things like “no cobwebs on the dog” and “no we’re not putting pumpkins on the roof.”
I have to fast for 48 hours for my upcoming colonoscopy. My husband is not having a colonoscopy, but he will be fasting for 48 hours as well. He just doesn’t know it yet.
him: I’m so sick of you just agreeing with everything I say
me: same
*Speed dating*
Me: “Do you say bless you when your dog sneezes?”
Him: “No.”
Me: “Next.”
I understand if you aren’t religious, I respect that. But you don’t have to get all rude when I ask to use your first born as a sacrifice.
My 2-year-old asking for her stuffed lamb while having a snack…
Daughter: “Where’s Lamby?”
Me: “In the crib.”
Daughter: “Go get him.”
Me: “Can you say please?”
Daughter: “I can’t say please with food in my mouth.”
I recently started a band called 999 Megabytes. We’re good but we haven’t got a gig yet.
me: this leaf blower is doing more harm than good. i want a refund
store manager: that’s a rocket launcher
Beethoven: hey everybody, this next song’s called “Für Elise”
Elise: omg, we broke up 6 months ago, get over urslf
B: SHUT UP ELISE I LUV U
Love that person who tells me to ‘take a drink of water’ when I’m CHOKING ON WATER.
Therapist: don’t take things personally
Me: [literally a conscious being that experiences life from a first-person perspective] ok I’ll try
Me: I’ll remember this verification code and don’t need to write it down.
Me two seconds later: Oh no!
Me: I’m gonna take a nap
Him: ok I’ll go in the next room and make lots of noise