God: you’re a cuttlefish.
Cuttlefish: yay I love hugs.
God: that’s not what I meant.
Cuttlefish: oh.
God: you have 8 arms and 2 tentacles.
Cuttlefish: for hugs?
God: [sigh] no not for hugs.
Cuttlefish: oh.
God: also you’re venomous.
Cuttlefish: [happy gasp] danger hugs!
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sorry I can’t come to work today, my dog finally caught a bird this morning and I’m going to need the next 2-6 weeks to emotionally recover
In the past 3 weeks, my trash has gone out more than I have.
I can’t go to jail…
I have serious food allergies!
Me: *patting my wife’s belly* we have something to tell you
Her Mom: what?
Me: *patting her mom’s belly* I have a new disorder that makes me do this
Her Dad: are you serious?
Me: *patting his belly* yes
Hear me out:
Instead of The Bachelor giving out roses to the women, he gives them each a roll of toilet paper.
This is where we’re at, people.
Mike said he’s breaking up w/ u cause you’re not very smart & u have issues
Me: OMG I DO NOT HAVE HIS SHOES WE DONT EVEN WEAR THE SAME SIZE
When a fancy lady told me she was from an upscale neighborhood, I stared at her, mouth agape and said, ‘Oh shit! I’m so sorry. Are you okay?’ She didn’t like that at all.
I don’t know why they invite me to an Easter egg hunt, then freak out when I turn up in camo gear with my rifle.
If you see a hot girl walking you should honk your horn to let her know you’re intrested and afraid to talk to girls.
Establish dominance over your cat by suddenly bolting out of the room for no reason.
bank account: $1400
me to a girl scout: give me the thick mints
The first guy to eat cheese had a creepy hunch that totally paid off
Simba – “welcome to… The bone zone”
Nala – “the what?”
Simba – “elephant graveyard. I said elephant graveyard”
I’m just a girl, sitting on a plane, watching each person come closer to the empty seat beside me and thinking “please don’t sit here”.
My kids bought a huge bag of flour, yet I don’t see any baking going on…are they waiting for me? They’re waiting for me, aren’t they?
[if you can make a girl laugh you can make her do anything]
*makes a girl laugh*
me: can you do my taxes
lawyer: just say you were with a friend
me: ok
[later]
cop: where were you that night?me: robbing the house *winking at my lawyer* with my friend
I’m not a shout it from the rooftops kind of person, but I’ll write it on a post-it and leave it lying around for people to see.
Forever Alone Barbie: Comes with 20 cats, and a Twitter account. Alcoholism and debilitating depression not included.
sex is great & all.. but have you ever successfully poured liquid from one cup into another WITHOUT spilling it?
I will never think of rock paper scissors the same way again.
My 12 yo has this bizarre illness where he suddenly needs to spend 20 minutes pooping every time we start doing the dishes.
*sees a very smooth rock*
me: nice rock
my brain: put it in your mouth
me: no?????
4yo: *Tells 20 minute story*
Me: *Fully listens to the whole thing*
4yo: *Starts telling it again*
Me: *Dies*
Me: I’ve joined a 12-step program.
Friend: That’s great. What are you trying to get off of?
Me: The treadmill very quickly
Me: Want some trail mix?
Him: That’s just peanut butter m&m’s and some ibuprofen.
Me: It’s homemade.
I always say no to drugs. But, if they ever start deep frying them, I’m in big trouble.
Breaking news:
The guy who thought up Super Mario must have had a very complicated relationship with turtles
[drunk, yelling at a can of baked beans] ALEXA PLAY BENNIE AND THE JETS