Me: *Trying to sneak to the fridge for a late night snack*
Hardwood floors: ALLOW ME TO SING YOU THE SONG OF MY PEOPLE
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Just ruined another 3yo’s life by failing to find a non existent toy they didn’t bring to school
He tripped, and the laundry basket fell to floor, spilling clothes everywhere.
I sat back and watched it all unfold.
Removing my pants wasn’t what the server meant when she said to make myself comfortable while she got my drink. I understand that now, officer.
“Pick a card, any card, make sure you memorize it, now put it back with the rest”: me, with my wife at the Hallmark Store on Valentine’s Day
[on a first date]
Her: Have you ate here before?
Me: Yeah, my wife and I come here all the time
Worst reasons to wake up to a strange voice at 3am:
1. home intruder
2. haunting
3. bluetooth speaker lady complaining she wants more power
“It’s one of those new Hoverboards!”
9: Mom, this is just 2 Roombas taped together.
“Don’t be silly. Now go vacuum…I mean play upstairs”
Dogs have dandruff and cats have dandmeow. Hi, I’m single.
Corgi: why are my legs so short?
God: that’s just what legs look like.
Corgi: oh cool.
[giraffe walks by]
Corgi:
God: you weren’t supposed to see that.
Her: I heard you got super glue on your fingers, are you okay?
Me: 👌
Hair Dresser: You could get extensions to add length.
Me: You could stop cutting.
him: I’m so sick of you just agreeing with everything I say
me: same
Ew, there is no way I’m touching that hand sanitizer dispenser.
TONIGHT ON HOUSE HUNTERS
*extremely Australian accent*
This here house is one of the most deadly in the world. Imma poke it with a stick
Would you rather have a normal childhood or a sense of humor?
I have way less energy than your average haunted doll.
DUDE!
Why didn’t you make
better life choices?![Me to the cicada as it hits my car]
You could go camping or you could stay at home, not shower, leave dirt on the floor and let some squirrels in.
Pro tip: when you accidentally shrink your son’s favorite game day sweater, look him in the face, lie, and say he must be making huge gains at the gym.
Thanks Autocorrect, I did want to bang her braids out.
I’m not saying I was fired from Spirit Halloween for stealing, I’m just saying I have skeletons in my closet
No need to pay for a gym when accidentally liking a selfie online makes your palms sweat and your heart race for free.
I have a very defined ab.
That’s not a typo, I only have a single ab
How many bears would Bear Grylls grill, if Bear Grylls could grill bears?
I’m putting on weight for a movie
*eats popcorn in cinema
This was the Moment when twitter decided to double the Size of its Application.
Sitting on the porch late one night. A fox steals up and settles quietly next to me. Pearl divers don’t hold their breath as long as I do.
If anyone is thinking of fighting me, just know I cook bacon topless.
Her: Undress me with your words…
Me: I saw a spider in your bra.
O Wise One….