me: [trying to sound cool] I’m in a punk band
cute co-worker: that’s cool. What the band’s name?
me: [looking over desk for ideas] Inbox(29)
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I was going to learn to play the violin, but it was too much of a commitment.
I wanted something with no strings attached.
Sometimes I drink too much coffee and chase the Amazon guy around the neighborhood
I have a lot of disdain for anyone in the top 1% who hasn’t become Batman.
Britney Spears’ Slave 4 U is trending on Christmas Eve just like it did that magical night in Bethlehem thousands of years ago. God bless everyone.
I’m amazed at the things I find in my undies after a night out. Glitter, matchbook, food & I wasn’t even wearing underwear before I went out
Weird…my son has been having nightmares about a clown hiding in his closet ever since I dressed like a clown and hid in his closet.
ME EVREY MORNIG: nonono no noNO no NONO NO!!!
ME EVREY NIGHT: u know wat wil make my morning amazing?! setting my favorite song as my alarm
Cake!!
Me: *flips pillow to the cool side*
Cool Side of the pillow:
BEAT IT NERD!
Me: *flips pillow back to the nerd side*
When you’re eating fries and get that one- not a cold one, not a sharp one, but one tastes like death, like something went real wrong- and then you just keep going.
*Brings Oreos to a Christmas cookie exchange*
my husband’s quarantine amazon cart: – fruit and vegetable seeds
– toilet paper
– educational toys for the kidsmy quarantine amazon cart:
– four (4) horse masks
– a theatrical quality replica of elsa’s dress from frozen 2
– a lifesize cardboard cutout of richard madden
Gonna start lying about my age by adding 20 years so everyone tells me how good I look for my age.
Worst part of a corporate job is no tips. Someone should slip you a $20 if you write a killer email
Why do they call it house cleaning and not fighting grime?
Therapist: ‘Strange. Weird. Odd.’
Me: ‘Am I paying for this?’
Colleague: want some popcorn? Keeps you young and beautiful like me
Me: Really? Looks to me you should’ve been eating a hell of a lot more
[high school]
ME: *getting stuffed in my locker* jokes on you buddy, I have snacks in here
Tomorrow is Jesus’ birthday. I got him an Xbox. Keeping it at my house until I see him.
It’s my potent alchemy of humility and charisma that has you off-kilter. Give yourself a moment to adjust.
Me: This is the worst escape room ever.
Boss: This is your job.
Does the writer who left the space blank get upset when a note is added that it was intentionally left blank?
I like soap operas because you never have to wonder who the villain is, they are the one wearing an eye patch. No gentlemen pirates on a soap opera
WIFE: Stop spending all our money
ME: Okay, fine
[later]
WIFE: *visibly angry* WTF?
ME: *zooming by on a new Segway* RELAX KAREN, I STOLE IT
My least favorite part of a burger or sandwich at a diner has to be the toothpick in the middle. I don’t care what the ingredient combinations are, that part always tastes the worst.
Traveler’s camo
Me: In relationships, listening and communicating are key.
Husband: Did you check the counter? Maybe your purse? You’re always losing things.
Me: This is nice.
Why did the Fresh Prince have to take a cab anyways? How shitty was that family that no one would pick him up from the airport?
Sometime in the night I think somebody replaced my skeleton with a different skeleton but I don’t know how to verify this.