Me [trying to sound intellectual]: okay, okay which came first turkey the bird or Turkey the *points at map*
You Might Also Like
I personally endorse our president going to war with North Korea. Not our military of course, just the president.
[calls my sister while babysitting her kids] are they allowed to smoke inside
I’m really hungry, so I’m going to eat an apple and promote myself to starving.
The trend of high school girls dressing as Steve Harvey and doing that “SIT ON IT” clip is SENDING MEEE
HELLO COWORKER THAT I HAD NOT SPOKEN TO UNTIL I DREW THEIR NAME IN OFFICE SECRET SANTA PLEASE ENJOY THIS DEEPLY INTIMATE GIFT OF AN AMAZON GIFT CARD
HR: Do you know why we called you in here today?
Me: I’m not taking off my Batman suit, sir.
You: Hold my beer.
Me: *drinks it because I’m not a table*
I’ve always wanted to buy 2 coffees, take them to a crime scene & while handing 1 to the officer in charge ask, “So, what do we have here?”
[outside tomb]
John: ok but if we’re being honest Jesus was kind of annoying right?
Disciples:
John:
Disciples:
John:
Disciples:
John: he’s right behind me isn’t he
[Girl takes off her clothes]
“You have had sex before right?”
[Me, in a suit of armor & holding a cauliflower]
…
“no actually”
The Compass
If I was a marriage counselor I would just make the couple look at a dating website for 20 minutes.
I dream of a day when my toddler can poop and the entire neighborhood doesn’t have to hear her say she’s done.
Every BBC series about the universe.
I think it’s fair to question whether or not Barack Obama is an American. I mean, look at him.
He’s awfully thin…
I hate it when my husband starts tossing around unnecessary words like “budget” & “shopaholic.”
Percentage of men in the world with blue eyes: 8%
Percentage of men in romance books with blue eyes: 99.9%
[wedding reception]
DAVE IS HAVIN A SEIZURE
Paramedic: How long has he been having convulsions?
IDK HE’S WHITE, I THOUGHT HE WAS DANCING
Me: Which cup do you want?
2-year-old: That one!
Me: Let’s pick a different one.
2-year-old: No!
*drinks milk from a shot glass*
Dating: OMG, his fingers just brushed against mine and I instantly have butterflies in my stomach.
Married: I swear, if even your stupid finger crosses onto my side of the bed at any point tonight, I’m going to break it.
inventor of pita: i have created bread in the form of a pocket.
assistant: aha so you can easily fill it with food.
inventor of pita: oh. [chuckles] oh it won’t be easy.
I haven’t cleaned my shower in so long, it’s becoming a terrarium. Absolutely gorgeous.
moisten thyself and wait for me in the westernmost grunting shed
Could be worse. Someone could be trying to tell you that everything happens for a reason.
1) Put on chicken costume
2) Go to store to pick up eggs
3) Run up to store manager and emotionally scream “WHO DID THIS TO MY CHILDREN????”
Me (as a doctor): I’m afraid you have very moderately progressing gonorrhea
Patient: what? I don’t understand
Me (starts slow clap)
My daughter wants something “fun and not boring” for dinner tonight and I’m feeling a lot of pressure now
Eaten so many blue cheese stuffed olives today that it feels like France and Greece are waging a war for land in my intestines.
Mom taught us that “shut up” was the worst thing you could ever say to someone. But I had bigger dreams.