I’m sad… I’m gonna eat some feelings.
*6 hours later*
S.W.A.T. Leader: Sir, she’s eaten the feelings of the entire team! She… *static*
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pretty jealous of bears. they’re like, “well, just ate my entire weight in salmon, now I’m gonna sleep for 6 months. smell ya later, hater”
The first time I threatened to “turn this car around!” we’d just left the park and were heading home. The kids cheered. It was a rookie dad move and I still haven’t fully recovered.
Costco often changes the floor plan to keep the animals engaged as they search for their next meal.
Remember when the biggest problem we faced was Gangnam Style
Seas the day!!!!
What do you call a person that is happy on a Monday?
Unemployed
Lady at my gym is pedaling a stationary bike while eating chips right out of the bag. I’m hiring her as my personal trainer.
[Witches Kitchen]
Mama: I made you a birthday cake and I used pig blood so it’s nice and moist
Daughter: wow okay that’s gross
Mama: what, I thought you liked pig blood?
Daughter: oh I do, but stop saying moist
My cat just sniffed my right eye & licked his lips. When I die alone in my house, he’ll probably eat that eyeball first.
You can’t scare me. You’re not my husband holding my credit card over the shredder.
When my wife is mad at me, I like to straighten our wedding picture on the wall and say “for better or worse.”
[exchanging vows]
HIM: I’ll love you forever.
HER: I’ll love you until you leave me a voicemail.
HIM: Wait, what?!
PRIEST: No, that’s fair.
me: “i don’t appreciate being laughed at”
seaworld employee: “sir that’s just the noise dolphins make”
Before joining Twitter I thought I was stupid. But now I’ve realised I’m not alone.
Pirates that used X to mark the spot were stupid. If they had used a G, nobody would ever have found their treasure.
COMPUTER: Enter password
ME: [types ’14days’]
COMPUTER: Your password is two week
ME: Uh?
COMPUTER: Computer do joke. Computer funny.
I started calling all three of my children by their last name. You’d think that would increase my chances of one of them acknowledging me, but you’d be wrong.
Joseph: could you put the shopping away, there’s a fish & some bread on- oh no
*house is overflowing with fish & bread*
Jesus: i am so sorry
[Biblical Times]
God: oh shit
Angel: what?
God: I just realized I’ve been leaning on the frog button
do weddings actually cost like $50,000 or is everyone lying for fun
Parents, stop giving your kids these crazy names. I just found a love letter my son wrote to a girl named “Steven!”
*presses shuffle on 900 song playlist
Spotify: IMMA ONLY JUST PLAY THESE 12 EVER
I found a dog in a toilet.
It’s a poodle.
Of course everyone says that their kid is SO smart. No decent parent would ever say, “This is my boy Jack, he’s as dumb as a bag of hair.”
[annoyed burglar waking me] you still have a VCR?
[date]
HER: I absolutely love Star Wars
ME: Oh me too
HER: What’s your favorite part?
ME: *nervously* Uh, when the stars go to war
starting a garage orchestra
TT: At sunday dinner I like to perform an impromptu puppet show with the roast chicken. This week it’s my interpretation of Die Hard 2.
How did you get this number..?
– me to my whole family..