[my future self comes back in time]
HIM: here’s every sports score for the next 20 years
ME: great, thanks for ruining the games for me
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Since the day he was born, I always expected my kid to grow up to be smarter, funnier, and more successful than me.
I just didn’t expect him to do this by age 6.
*kidnapping Beyoncé* got your Knowles
“Living well is the best revenge.”
Alexa, what is the second best revenge?
[House hunters]
Pigs: we’d really love a brick house
Wolf realtor: how do we feel about wood tho?
24 astronauts were born in Ohio. What is about your state that makes people want to flee the Earth?
“Coward” should really mean “to move in the direction of a cow”
A five year old girl is headed to
the National Spelling Bee finals.And I just had to use autocorrect
to spell “embarrassed”I’m so emb-
Looking forward to getting my eyes checked. It’s the only doctor who doesn’t weigh me.
Smashing piñatas blindfolded but it’s just me being outside during the flying insect seasons.
My kid asked how the Easter bunny gets inside the house and I’m very uncomfortable with the amount of lying this parenting gig requires.
I’d have more sympathy for Sony’s alleged loss of $200 million if that weren’t the cost of like three large popcorns at any movie theater.
[wife opens emergency kit after disaster] WTF THERE’S NOTHING IN HERE EXCEPT ENYA ALBUMS
Me: [trying to hide my shame] oh wow, whose are those
Them: The meek shall inherit the earth
the meek: *looks around* umm, I’m good
My friend just brought me a coffee and I started crying bc it was such a sweet and small but genuine act of kindness and she was like “I’m your waitress, you literally just ordered this” and that is just classic her I love her so much
Me: I used to use baby oil so I’d fry faster in the sun, then of course the eventual peel and tan that followed
Satan: I honestly don’t know where you belong. You’re very insane.
They offered me money to promote a product in my Twitter account, but my dignity is strong, as Axion “The true grease stain remover”
Tell me again why was it necessary to dress as Snow White & bring a basket of eggs to the delivery?
Army boss: ENEMIES INCOMING AT 12 O’CLOCK
Me: stop shouting, that’s over an hour from now
5 easy ways to make money as a writer:
• Sell your blood
• Return cans and bottles
• Shoplift and re-sell items from a cart
• Learn to play guitar and busk
• Pawn your laptop
Great British Bake Off but you pair every contestant with a 3-year-old who really wants to help.
[Watching “Aliens,” sees the first alien]
Me: I bet at least one more alien shows up
I’m pretty certain the inventor of the ball gag was someone who had just had sex with a loud talker
Kids. Because who else is willing to stampede through the house sounding like an overweight elephant while also only weighing 30 pounds?
I’m sorry if I looked interested. You probably caught me fantasizing about bacon.
Apparently showing the pharmacist a picture of my wife was not a good enough reason to get Valium without a prescription.
My grandfathers were WWII heroes and I get anxiety if I don’t know the intricacies and protocols of the entire dining establishment I’m picking up take out from at least 24 hours in advance. I’m mapping it out on a chalkboard like a lil nervous Eisenhower.
I’m white, but not like “has a golden retriever named Chance” white.
The good news: She actually gave me her number
The bad news: She asked for it back after I fell and tripped into a plant walking away
God grant me the dgaf to lol at the things I can’t even, the swag to yolo the things I can, and the lifehacks to know the difference
Cat doesn’t realize if he succeeds in tripping me on the way downstairs to feed him, we all die.