me: *turns around in swivel chair*
*tents fingers*
I guess you never expected to see ME again…
Boss: Must we do this every Monday?
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Throwing things off the table before my cat gets the chance to is one of my favourite past times. Eye contact is imperative for full satisfaction
[david attenborough voice] wolves, also known as nature’s best animal, have been cool for hundreds of thousands of years
I’m sorry for a lot of things but I’m not sorry I put googly eyes on your nativity scene
My battle cry is, I’M TRYING TO PEE! STOP KNOCKING ON THE DOOR!!
And 5’s battle cry is, I’M NOT KNOCKING ON THE DOOR! I’M KNOCKING ON THE WALL NEXT TO THE DOOR!
“where am i bro?”
THIS IS SPARTA
“thanks. cute puppy bro”
THIS IS MUFFINS
I just gave my cat his lunch and insulin. He is now happily digesting and insulating.
It’s been four days since I started this rap battle. I’m tired and just want to see my family.
Pics or it didn’t happen… unless it’s your kid’s first day of school, then we’ll just take your word for it.
When you say married… Do you mean married married… or just married?
I made a resolution to eat better and exercise in the new year but didn’t specify which year I was referring to.
ME: we wave at each other just about every morning but I always seem to forget your name…it’s Gary, right?
NEIGHBOR: Deborah
The rest of the year
May: Murder hornets
June: Sexual harassment spiders
July: Pedophile bears
August: Active shooter lions
September: Burglar Tigers
October: Hijacker sharks
November: Kidnapper Wolves
December: pyramid-scheme alligators
I live in fear that my death will somehow be connected to the opening of a pressurized Pillsbury cinnamon roll container.
I love ordering from Panera because it’s always a surprise. Am I going to get the spinach-egg white-avocado sandwich I ordered, or perhaps a steak and egg bagel? Maybe a lovely tomato soup for breakfast? It’s like a don’t-pick-your-own adventure!
I don’t know why people say Twitter isn’t a dating app. I’ve encountered plenty of available married men here.
Wife: You guys never eat the food before it goes bad!
Also my wife: *buys 40lbs of grapes because they’re on sale*
My son keeps running around naked, so I sprayed him with Windex. It’s supposed to prevent streaking.
Hey! This is your home!
It’s kinda messy… but you’ll get use to that!-my 6yo, welcoming his new baby sister 😂😂💀
[therapy]
HIM: Should we talk about the elephant in the room?
ME: I don’t like to talk about him
ELEPHANT: Ok wow I’m like right here man
My 2yr old tells people that grandma goes to a booty shop. My mom asks that I help her say beauty correctly, but this way is much more fun.
[buying an engagement ring]
clerk: that will be $10,000
me: [dragging 3 months’ celery behind me] okay please dont laugh
HAMMOND: and then I extract the dinosaur blood from the mosquitoes
DR. GRANT: are you gonna use it to clone them?
HAMMOND: *takes sip from trex blood smoothie* use it to what?
I’m almost 45 years old and I’ve never been to an open house before. Can I use their toaster?
ME: *reading a tweet* What does fr mean?
WIFE: For real
ME: Yes Sharon. I wouldn’t ask if I didn’t want to know.
ok, i’m calling bullshit on Ariel singing underwater
This salad tastes like I’ll be eating spaghetti at midnight. 😒
Cleavage is the original Jedi Mind Trick.
if you compliment a dude’s shirt, you better mean it, because that’s the only shirt he’ll wear out for the next five years.
I start conversations with my children by saying “Listen to me,” to ensure they stop paying attention from the beginning.
interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
me: you opened it in Word didn’t you