me: *turns around in swivel chair*
*tents fingers*
I guess you never expected to see ME again…
Boss: Must we do this every Monday?
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LinkedIn is severely overestimating how often I “congratulate” people.
“What’s your name?”
“Who’s your daddy?”
“Is he rich like me?”These “reset your password” questions are getting kind of weird.
ME [passing the bag]: cheeto?
GUY IN THE STALL NEXT TO ME: can we please not do this?
Lying dead in a closed coffin at my funeral, and yet somehow I still manage to spill mustard on my shirt.
She posted me to the group chat and they said I’m handsome
DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE SO MANY DIFFERENT KINDS OF BIRD SEED? THERE’S REGULAR SEED AND RUSTIC SEED, VARIEGATED SEED, SUNFLOWER SEED, SAFFLOWER SEED. CANARY SEED, GOLDEN MILLET, RED MILLET, FLAXSEED, WHITE PROSO MILLET, THISTLE, SHELLED AND CRACKED CORN…….
“those tattoos will make it harder to get a job” ok well so will my personality.
How is a guy supposed to take a nap in his car during lunch hour if people keep knocking on the window saying things like “are you ok?” and “you’re rolling down a hill.”
Me: I’ll have one of those to go. A Cargarita, if you will. LOL
Bartender: I’m cutting you off
I’m not sure if I like my wife’s new boyfriend.
76 vanilla wafers later.
“I don’t like these.”
No, I didn’t get the flu shot. I just make sure to avoid people from October into April.
If you see me longingly looking at you at the pub, i’m just wondering if you’re going to eat all those nachos?
If I did one of those wine and paint nights the instructor would be like wow look at you, you are really good at wine.
*pokes sex life with a stick
Have you ever cropped a picture as you texted it; the crop didn’t stick and now your wife is asking who that woman is?
Shout out to the zillow listing where someone was just like eff it, the giant bottle of vodka stays in the kitchen pic
When I hear “This call is being monitored for quality assurance” I think “Cool, let’s see how bad this person wants their job.”
The way I see it, the only thing my daughter’s little “boyfriend” needs to know about me is I ain’t afraid to go back to prison.
Today I was on the treadmill for over an hour. I was so pleased with my progress that tomorrow I might actually turn it on
I hate how every single day my ex wife just keeps waking up!
Son: I’m scared of bees
Me (very wise): Eventually every letter of the alphabet will terrify you
My dog sure acts tough for an animal whose natural habitat is on the couch under his blankie.
When Kevin Bacon participates in a bake off, he instantly becomes Kevin Bacoff.
Wife to our oldest daughter: “Go brush your teeth with your sister.”
Me to our oldest daughter: “Sweetie, don’t listen to your mother. Use a toothbrush.”
One day you’re young and eating hot wings, the next day you have a favorite flavor of Tums.
Who needs horror films when there are true crime docs on Tinder dating
My husband changed his brand of boxers for the first time in 35 years. I feel like I’m having an affair.
Caesar: You will be forced to fight to the death
Gladiator: Hell yeah
Madiator: well this is bullshit
When people ask me how old I am, I always say 45.
They all think I look AMAZING for my age.