Me: tushy tushy!
Fencing partner: IT’S PRONOUNCED TOU- *I stab him*
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Thoughts that keep me awake….
why don’t flamingos have one really muscley leg?
*this tweet is brought to you by rum…*
80’s rap was like being in 5th grade and trying to find words that rhymed with “hat.”
You guys, I checked. Wolves can’t blow houses down, even if they are just made of straw and sticks. It’s all anti-wolf propaganda started by Big Pork
Kids too energetic? Make them go on a walk with you and they’ll suddenly be unable to move any part of their body.
Keep me in your thoughts. My wife is unloading the dryer and I can’t find a corn bread muffin I had earlier. Pretty sure I left it in one of those pockets.
I know I shouldn’t make hot beverages from fish parts, but it’s just my gill tea pleasure.
…No, YOU shut up.
you’re fasting for lent, I’m furiousing for lent; we are not the same
Security: Animals aren’t allowed in this art gallery, sir.
Me: It’s my guide dog.
Dog: Picasso, born 25/10/1881, was a Spanish painter…
My kids got like 20 pounds of candy and that is so unhealthy so obviously I have to eat it all for their own good
[Struts in lookin fly as heck in my speedo, shower cap and armfull of baby dolls
struts out with new understanding of the term baby shower]
The hand doctor told me that I can no longer cook, clean, or vacuum.
Which would be amazing news if I actually did any of those things.
Love to go to hipster restaurants and eat half a grilled cheese off an old license plate.
There should be a special rating system for movies that tells you how uncomfortable you’ll be if you watch them with your parents.
They invented the word metallic, because irony was already taken.
Party Tip:
At a 3-year-old’s birthday party, you can piss all over the bathroom. ALL OVER!!!! Nobody will suspect you.
Wife: “Oh my God! You really ONLY hear what you want!”
Me: “Thanks! I’ve been working out!”
[math class]
ME: {whispering} Were we supposed to draw a giraffe or a graph?
FRIEND: Graph. Wait did you draw a giraffe?
ME: Uhh-
FRIEND: {looks at my paper} But this is a graph.
ME: Yeah I’m not very good at drawing giraffes.
Not to brag, but my kids just unloaded the entire dishwasher without me asking, or without them noticing that the dishwasher had not been run.
Friends: “Be ready at 7:30”
Me at 7:30:
If there’s a denim jacket on my doorknob it means I’m having sex with a werewolf.
Want to binge on sugar but all I’ve got are gummy vitamins so I’m about to get mad healthy
Me: This whole lockdown is making it very hard to find my soulmate.
Husband: I’m sitting right here.
2020 became the year I purchased a printer and remembered that printers are the hardest problem in computer science.
A big shout out to my mother who can’t hear me otherwise.
I’m starting to regret my “2015 FOREVER” tattoo.
[walking away from taco truck]
WIFE: whats wrong
ME: nothing
WIFE: did u think the truck would be one giant taco
ME: *wiping away tears* no
Just yelled “out of my way monsters!” at a flock of seagulls, so I’m done interacting socially for the day
Wife: HOW IS IT ONLY WEDNESDAY?!
Me: It’s Tuesday.
Wife: HOW IS IT ONLY TUESDAY?!
me: aren’t you going to ask if i’m sexually active
doctor: i don’t really need to
me: wait why
doctor:
me:
doctor: look i heard you say ‘okie dokie’ to the receptionist i already know you aren’t