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as a kid: i have to save up for this toy
as an adult: i have to save up for this rent
I don’t understand why people get excited about carbon dating.
But then perhaps I just haven’t met the right pencil.
Hey, so I was working on an Excel spreadsheet and hit an unfamiliar function button and, long story short, now I am trapped inside it and all these numbers are mad at me
A car pool is an extravagant waste of water.
Oh so when Van Helsing kills a vampire he’s a hero, but when I do it I’m “ruining Halloween”
A month ago I gave my number to this beautiful girl. She said “I will text you when I get home”. I think she’s homeless.
Whenever I seductively unbutton my pants, I always maintain full eye contact with the waiter so he knows I want more table bread.
Hi, I’m Brandon and I’ll be your hater this evening. Our specials tonight are “ur mom”, “lol own3d”, and “u mad bro lol u mad?!??!”
I’m putting salt in this mustard and I’m calling it Saline Dijon and you can’t stop me
explaining cat scratches is like defending an abusive boyfriend to your parents “he didn’t mean it” “you guys just don’t know him like I do”
3: I DON’T NEED YOU!!
Me: *already booking 1 ticket to the Bahamas*
4yo: Can I have some more Easter candy?
Me: After lunch
4yo: I want lunch right now. I’m starving!!
Me: We just ate breakfast
4yo: Starving!
How bad is it for Prince Andrew? Under today’s Royal Decree he’s banned from eating Burger King, Dairy Queen or Duke’s Mayo.
“Let’s wake up super early, stand in the freezing cold with mobs of people & harass a cute little groundhog!” ~White people
[face pressed against the glass case in the butcher shop] This is a bad zoo
Would you rather fight one 800lb gorilla or 800 1lb gorillas that trust you as their parent?
Taught a lesson on fossils and dinosaurs today.
6yo: (raises hand)
Me: Yes? (Thinking: please don’t ask if I was alive when dinosaurs roamed the earth)
6yo: Did you ever get chased by a dinosaur when you were a kid?
10’s teacher: Your son has excellent grades
Me: Cool
Teacher: And a very sarcastic sense of humor
Me: *tears up* I couldn’t be more proud
Like an alarm clock but it’s your toddler standing next to your bed with a mascara wand whispering “I make you beautiful”.
HELLO COWORKER THAT I HAD NOT SPOKEN TO UNTIL I DREW THEIR NAME IN OFFICE SECRET SANTA PLEASE ENJOY THIS DEEPLY INTIMATE GIFT OF AN AMAZON GIFT CARD
[courtroom]
me: good morning, Judge McDonald
Judge: you will address the court properly
Me:
Judge: or be found in contempt
Me: Good morning, Your Ronald
whenever i see a baby, i take its candy. i need the win more than the baby does.
The most unbelievable thing about Die Hard is that the office Christmas Party is happening on Christmas Eve.
Florida man
I’m not straight up gangster but I’m working on improving my posture.
I may not know much about a lot of things, but this fact I’m sure of:
A smoke detector battery will never go dead during the day.
Just saw a sign that said free hugs. I didn’t even know Hugs was arrested
All it took was a skirt and one strong gust of wind and all of a sudden, my spirit animal is Hello Kitty.
Too tall: “How’s the weather up there?”
Too short: “How’s the weather down there?”
Average height: “I am cursed to rely on others to know what the weather is like”
Friend: your parents must have had you young
Me: I mean, I couldn’t have been any younger