@JoanBaileyy: Me: " *types in password*, Password Doesn't Work" ** OMG I'M HACKED**.... *oh wait... never mind, CAPS LOCK WAS ON..*
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@FattMernandez: When I go to Burger King, I like to get a Whopper and a Whopper jr. then make the Whopper watch as I eat the Whopper jr.
@hammbone84: Turns out that my wife isn't very fond of me referring to her period tracker app as the Countdown to Armageddon.
@LoveNLunchmeat: If I ever get a Roomba, I'm gonna be totally irresponsible and just throw crumbs on the floor for fun.
@TheMichaelRock: Ladies, if he leaves the stickers on his hat, that's his way of telling you he won't pay child support.