Mah Dearest Emma,
War on Christmas is hell. This morn, I saw 7 elves stabbed with 1 menorah. I fear this nog soaked yuletide may nevah end.
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2 things I hate;
1)Hypocrites
2)and people who don’t finish anyth
Oh, more embarrassing things I have done as a lawyer:
While working from home, I joined zoom court with my microphone on, not realized it, and reacted to a knock at the door by yelling “I swear to god I am in court right now!” And the judge said, “yes, you are.”
All these pregnancy photos are so annoying. It’s like, “Ugh, we get it, you ate a baby.”
Never thought I’d be the type of person who competes for attention. Then I got a cat.
There’s just something about my posture after sitting in front of a computer for hours, a certain je ne sais quasimodo
70’s horror movies gave me a healthy respect for the power held by chainsaws and deserted farmhouses
Him: So what do you do?
Me (hoping to save up for some bushes at the edge of my property): I run a hedge fund.
To err is human, to eh is Canadian.
Mcdonalds showing people doing yoga in their commercials is like George Bush having a library named after him.
Wife: Use the newspaper to get that spider down
Me *reads the news out loud*
Spider *depressed* holy shit
*weighs self after shaving
Comcast Cable acquiring Time Warner Cable is a lot like your proctologist acquiring a bigger finger.
Just remember, when the jury is deciding between premeditated murder and manslaughter…
it’s the thought that counts
Jack and Jill went up the hill
To fetch an ounce of ganja
Jack lit up and took a puff
And Jill cuffed him. She was DEA. Jack died in prison.
doctor: describe your morning routine
me: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance
doctor: I said m-o-r-n-i-n-g
me: I know how it’s spelled
Boss: the company wants you to know it’s ok to struggle mentally
Me: ok
Boss: like… don’t tho
Them: You’re hot.
Me: *eyes narrowed suspiciously* How many crosswalks do you see in here right now?
My husband is out w/friends & I’m at home w/the kids. I’m going to sprinkle Legos under the covers on his side of the bed.
Job interviewer: What are your strengths?
Me: Is the next question going to be about weaknesses?
JI: Yes.
Me: I’m very perceptive.
My soulmate is probably someone else who doesn’t really talk to anyone either so that could be an issue
Me: I’m a mature adult woman who can handle anything
Also me: *has to pack my blankie wherever I go or I can’t sleep*
Delilah: Hey
Jude: Hey there
A friend and I just decided that in 10 years if we aren’t married we will tell each other what’s honestly wrong about ourselves.
Wife: can you give the kids a talk on drugs?
Me: ok but I talk a lot of shit when I’m high
movies be like: here is a scientist – she is world renowned, she teaches at MIT, she is 24, she is stupid hot.
Just when you’ve built some confidence that you’re a smarter than average human, universe sends you captcha.
[math class]
ME: {whispering} Were we supposed to draw a giraffe or a graph?
FRIEND: Graph. Wait did you draw a giraffe?
ME: Uhh-
FRIEND: {looks at my paper} But this is a graph.
ME: Yeah I’m not very good at drawing giraffes.
The fastest way to get your kids to shut up is to ask them a question you want answered.
*firefighter wraps me in blanket after he rescues me*
Um I just came out of a fire so I’m pretty hot actually
Taco Bell: try this new thing
Me: what is it
TB: does it matter
Me: no I’ll take 3