For my morning walk, I’m not blasting music into my brain. You are not going to hear anything more lovely them the way the birds sound today and also I can’t get my earbuds to work.
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Sometimes you just gotta be happy the kid is vacuuming her own room and overlook the fact that she’s making figure 8s
I talk to my dog like she’s human and, like most humans, she looks at me like I’m an idiot.
I’m convinced that this trip to Toronto will end with my being arrested for not being nice enough.
Police chief: So what do we know about the serial killer?
Detective: He’s white
Other detective: A muscular build
Me: He kills people
“Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain.”
– me, peeping at you in the shower
[spider walking into spinning class] What’s up with the bikes?
Thou shalt not commit adulthood
Some call me Mike while others call me Jesus Christ, Mike.
I’m wondering if other dogs are afraid of Saint Bernards. Not like dog fighting, but morally.
If my 5yos are holding something when I buckle them into their car seats, there’s a 150% chance they’ll hit me in the face with it.
I taught my youngest niece and nephew to say “Mommy steals credit cards” when they’re in a checkout line.
Those 5 donuts I ate are really going to give me an extra boost during my workout today.
Swung by drugstore to pick up cheapo last minute anniversary gift for my girlfriend, completely forgetting about her new job as drugstore cashier.
TEACHER: please take off your hat in class
*I take off my hat revealing a slightly smaller hat*
ME: I can do this 14 more times
But I meant it as a compliment when I said your baby looks like a pug.
My favorite adult hack is when I carefully and thoughtfully put something very important away so I can’t lose it and then I never find it again
A candy wrapper fell out of my pocket and my kid picked it up and waving it around like a trophy, began an interrogation about where it was from, when I had eaten it, and what it was doing in my pocket. Isn’t it obvious that I stuffed it in there to avoid exactly this situation?!
i’m a Leo which means i won’t win an Oscar for several more years
Duolingo getting serious.
all toddlers look the same when telling a story
The guy I use for odd jobs around the house is amazing; in the last month alone he’s repaired a leaky roof, fixed a broken gate, retiled the bathroom and according to the wife it was him that somehow reversed my vasectomy, too!
My neighbour said I’m not allowed to feed the baby raccoons living in their shed. I wonder if they’d prefer left over chicken to sandwiches
Friend: Bro, those were sick fireworks! Sorry about your eye, but I think the ER may be busy.
Me: No worries, my wife made reservations.
Hot girls who complain that you can’t get laid… do you live on a deserted island?
Live by one rule: trust no one but yourself. But at the same time, can I borrow your car tomorrow night?
Just saved $60,000 by telling my kid she already graduated from Parallel University.
Needed to buy a tarp and a saw so I threw in a paintbrush so the cashier would think more home project and less murder
Me: I want to-
Boss: Do not tell me you want to quit!
Me: What?!! That word isn’t even in my vocabulary!
Boss: Ok good. Go on
Me: I want to stop working here
I just did like 5 crunches while trying to get up from the couch. Is that exercise? Am I… am I exercising?
Going to get a facial today… this guy on Craigslist is offering a way lower price than the salon!