Me: Ugh how can people live like this?!
Him: This is our house.
Me: What the Hell happened?
Him: We had kids.
Me: Oh. Right.
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you’ve heard of fomo now get ready for fobi (fear of being included)
So many mixed messages in the media. Titanic tells us “never let go.” Frozen says “let it go.” Smdh
Me: Time to relax and get into bed!
The Internet: Wanna read something upsetting first?
Me: Yes, obviously.
Don’t hand me the good china. That’s a leap of faith you’ll regret.
I hope someone asks me what’s in my pocket because it’s the bra I just took off and a cheeseburger.
3: I’m going to say hi to that boy on the bike
Boy rides by & she waves shyly after he passes
3: He didn’t hear me
Me: Flirting’s hard
I forgot the word bird’s ‘nest’ earlier so I called it a twigloo.
Angel: hey God the humans are doing another sacrifice for you
God: [sitting in a sea of goats] it’s not another goat is it
My nudes are like fruitcake. Nobody likes them but I send them anyway.
The shower scene from Psycho, but instead of a knife, Norman Bates is wielding a ferocious Chihuahua
Husband: Sometimes I think you love the dogs more than you love me.
Me: (awkward silence)
Civil War reenactments are a lot like meetings. You do the same thing over and over again while waiting for your turn to die.
The living can’t communicate with the dead, that’s just séance fiction
Me: how much for the horse kabobs
Ride operator: it’s a carousel
I think LGBT sounds too much like a sandwich.
I’ve reached a fork in the road, thank heavens it was laying right next to a pan of lasagna.
*weighs self after shaving
My kid asked me where babies came from and I was like “Dude, ask your Mom. I still can’t figure out why Garfield talks and Odie doesn’t.”
Alexa! Wake me up if there is an emergency like the world‘s about to get normal
*dipping a pine cone in my coffee* Gosh I just love fall
Putting glasses on a Mr. Potato Head and asking if he’s just gonna be a spec tater his whole life.
I spend a lot of time alone
The block button is just the adult version of sticking your fingers in your ears and repeating “I can’t hear you” over and over
Travis Kelce is living the dream of every unknown comedian rn. Having hordes of people share your old tweets and being like, “this guy is hilarious”
satan: [pulling me aside] hey we’ve had some complaints
me: about the laughing?
satan yeah [scratching horns] i gotta be honest a lot of the demons are creeped out
me:
satan: you really shouldn’t be enjoying the torture this much
[to the tune of little drummer boy]
baaaaby shaaark, doo
doo doo doo doo doo
[Getting waterboarded]
“Um, sir the subject isn’t responding to interrogation, he’s just getting bigger”
[Me, a sponge]
“MwahahaHAHAHAA”
[first date]
{don’t let him know you’re a psychic}
{don’t let her know you’re a psychic}
{we’re both psychic?}
{yeah}
{cool let’s bang}
{k}
to the scum photoshopping bandanas on my wedding photos, STOP. my wife has a bad memory & is in tears, she thinks she married a bandana guy
If we reverse engineered electronics from a crashed UFO, it’s only a matter of time before aliens return with patent lawyers and sue us into oblivion.
bumping into a hot professor in the hallway and dropping my folder full of printed out pictures of the Green M&M