Next time a doctor asks if I have a family history of cancer, I’m going to reply, “yeah, but only the ones that wanted to work really hard for it.”
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[1st date]
HER: I love the idea of marriage. What are your thoughts on it?
ME: [trying to impress her] I have 6 wives
Going to start punching people in the face who say fight me. Words mean things, Paul.
Me: There’s a guy in Toronto who survived being shot thirty times. He’s totally fine now
Wife: I am not shooting you. Just go to work
ME: my ideal first date? well to me it dosent matter wat we do as long as we share a conection
JOB INTERVIEWER: i meant how soon can u start
Googled my symptoms and it turns out it’s just 2022.
date: i like the strong silent type
me: [quietly trying to lift the table over my head]
There has been a pencil case on the landing of my staircase for a week now. I notice it every time I go up or downstairs, but vowed not to pick it up just to see if someone else would.
There will be a Covid vaccine before this pencil case gets moved.
Sorry not sorry.
Growing old is a gift.
Wetting yourself when you sneeze, not so much. 🤧🙄
Lower your expectations.
Lower yet.
Keep going.
There.
Hi, I’m Nancy!
There’s no way the Ninja Turtles would have those ripped abs. You can’t do crunches with a shell attached to your back. Trust me I’ve tried.
Killing Eve is trending and I thought we had a new holiday.
Me: *needs to renew my vehicle registration*
DMV: Yes, we will need your license, registration, proof of insurance, passport, paper straw wrapper, VHS copy of The Sixth Sense, Princess Dianna Beanie Baby and for you to hit the high note in “I Will Always Love You.”
My wife is mad at me because I gave up looking for one particular black sock in a basket full of socks and after having pulled 7 different black socks out I quit.
i like the idea of hauntings being a common yet minor inconvenience
Obi-wan: It’s over Anakin! I have the high ground!
Anakin:*Force pushes him out of the way*
Obi-wan: Damn that completely obvious solution
Has anyone tried ejecting 2020, blowing on it, putting it back in and hitting play?
I’ve never wrestled an alligator but I have retrieved something from my toddler’s mouth.
I love the new Weight Watchers program. You can eat anything you want as long as you never join
[Walmart customer service]
ME: i want to talk to the manager.
MANAGER: hi sir is there a problem?
ME: no, i just want to talk.
ME [struggling]: skinny jeans, skinny jeans, let me in
SCARED DENIM: don’t come back till you’re thinny, thin, thin
My hair is so strong you can floss your teeth with it
– me flirting
I mix up the Marvel and DC universes on purpose just for the angry sex
Emoji: because sometimes a chicken, the Spanish flag, and a lesbian couple is the only way to express how you really feel.
You gotta Snapchat, dm, and text your girl all @ the same time. That way if you piss her off in 1 convo, you still have two lives left.
screaming into balloons for an extra surprise when the kids pop them
My wife says the kids look just like their father…
…and if I ever find out who he is, he’s got some explaining to do
Normalize saying “Yummy in my tummy” when the server asks about your meal.
Little known fact: Scotland is just an elaborate hoax with Mike Myers playing all of its citizens.
[interview]
HIM: have u ever bribed anyone?
ME: *pulls a package of OREO’s from briefcase and slides across table* depends on who’s asking