My new uniform is so tight I almost broke my fingers getting a card out of my back pocket
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I wonder if all the other popcorn kernels in the bag freak out when the first kernel pops
My neighbours were listening to some pretty cool music until the arseholes asked me to turn it down.
I napped the entire afternoon away.
I still feel like garbage but at least I’m well-rested garbage.
i wanna be one of those basic girls that’s really good at making shark coochie boards or whatever. you know, these.
Worm gf: would you still love me if I was a human?
Me: eh… let’s eh… let’s talk about something more realistic ok
Saw a guy smoking while pumping gas & at first glance thought ‘wow that’s not safe’ & at second glance thought ‘wow that guy’s on fire’
My husband got some virtual reality goggles for christmas and so far I like them because they make him very vulnerable to attack.
Not to brag but I can trip over things that aren’t even there!
Me: I’ve finally finished that jigsaw puzzle!
Her: YOU DRUNK! It took you 6 months!
Me: On the box it said 2 to 4 years!
Me: You should take a bath
Kid: You can’t make me!
Doctor: You should eat more leafy greens
Me: You can’t make me!
[my kids walk in on me being murdered]
ME: call 911
KIDS: ok but then will you get us a snack?
nurse: how do you rate your pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
My children wanted to play airplane rides and are very upset because I told them my flight is fully booked
Everyone seems so happy for you until they realize your baby carrier is just filled with mozzarella sticks.
“It’s not debauchery it’s Digiorno!”
Me drunk about to eat a frozen pizza
My dog’s the one that’s getting chonky, so why do I have to exercise too?
Nephew: Your Christmas hat is ugly. But that’s okay…
Me: Why is it okay that it’s ugly?
Nephew: It matches your face!
Me: 😳😳
I love The Sims because I can act out my craziest fantasies like advancing in my career and building relationships.
I read a sad statistic that something like 2% of all sushi goes un-Instagrammed.
“Stomach…Lungs…Kidneys….Heart.” –
Me, at my organ recital.(Not even slightly sorry)
I bring our baby to the bar so I can throw her at people and slurp down their cocktails while they’re trying to catch her.
The cool side of the pillow just stole my bf.
I was late to my first fight club last night so I missed the introduction but it was still really fun and I highly recommend fight club
aliens took me up to on their ship but i have no time for that drama so i just jumped out
Super glue dry times:
Wood – 30 secs
Steel – 60 secs
Ceramic – 20 secs
Fingers – instant
Looks like someone’s thrown Yoda through a window.
The door to door bible people just skipped my house! See, all it takes is trying to kiss the guy and he wont be back (until 3am)
If I was ever asked to be a cheerleader I’d jump at the chants.
I swear 75% of being a divorce lawyer is just answering emails from clients saying, “No. No. No. You absolutely cannot do that, no.”
Decoding phrases used by employers when describing what they want:
“Believes in the company’s mission” = “willing to take less money.”
“Has great work ethic” = “willing to work longer hours.”
“Has a passion for this work” = “willing to take less money while working longer hours.”