me: ugh I’m so fat
him: babe no, it’s all in your head
me: oh great, I don’t even know any head exercises
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Wait. I thought I was watching Hoarders. Looks like things are heating up!
I’ve started dating Little Red Riding Hood’s gran.
She’s an animal in bed.
Seas the day!!!!
I am 30 minutes into home schooling my 6 year old. I suggest that all school teachers are paid £1m per year from now on.
When a waiter doesn’t write down the order and someone in your group asks for no pickles and you know that’s going to be thing that wrecks it for everybody.
New slogan for cats: “Ever go to the zoo and want to snuggle a tiger but don’t want to die? Cats.”
me *sad*
toddler: You know what will make you happy?
me: What?
toddler: Taking me to McDonalds
Morpheus: [holding blue and red pills]
Neo:
Morpheus: I can’t remember which one was which
What do those “brighten my day with the 7th picture on your phone” people want from us
A great way to end small talk is by saying “you’re not real, you’re not real.”
I need everyone to calm down I broke into this house to pet your dog not steal him
Columbus: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Well–
Columbus: *just yanks me out of my car and drives off in it*
Son: I don’t like it when the house pees on me
Me: OMG just get in the shower
instead of using the same password everywhere, i use multiple different variations of the same password where i change one letter or add one number and so on. this is super secure and protects all my accounts from ever being able to get logged into by me
just witnessed a drug deal
Wife smelled eggs and thought I was bringing her breakfast in bed. How do I tell her it was just me with gas?!
Morpheus: If you take the red pill, I will show you what the Matrix is.
Neo: *ingests pill* Whoa.
Morpheus: It’s also a powerful laxative.
*a horse, dog and penguin walk into a bar
Bartender: Seriously, why are we even paying the bouncer?
I’m going start wearing a cape instead of headphones to deter people from talking to me.
If your job doesn’t have a dress code, start wearing scrubs to it. Don’t say anything just do it and don’t answer any questions about it either
i just want a guy i can call papi (not in the grandpa way)
The best thing about having siblings is roping them into Schemes
[first day as a snake charmer]
me: ayy wussup king damn what that tongue do long boi lmao u got room in that wicker basket for two or what
cobra: *striking me several times about the face, neck, and chest*
“Experts” need to stop blaming that 2020 Halloween candy shortage on me.
People who ask themselves what Jesus would do seem to forget just how badly things worked out for him.
According to autocorrect, my favorite Star Wars character is Bob’s Feet.
ME: I have to jet to the office real quick after breakfast, so—
FAMILY: We have a JET?!
ME: I meant—
FAMILY: Can we ride in the jet?
ME:
FAMILY: Is the jet invisible?
ME: Yes, that is definitely the case
*trips over an ice cube dropped on the floor*
Me: This is JUST like the Titanic!!
Psychiatrist: “Maybe you should be seeing a therapist.”
Me: “You sure like spending my money, don’t you?”
My name in Grease would be ChoRizzo.