me: ugh I’m so fat
him: babe no, it’s all in your head
me: oh great, I don’t even know any head exercises
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Me: I’ll give you a Wednesday for two Mondays
Stock Broker: that’s not how day trading works
Batman’s Bat Signal was really banking on the fact that crimes only happened at night.
Someone posts video
“Wait till the end”Me – *fast forwards to the end*
#ChangeAConsonantSpoilAMovie
Snapes On A Plane
[at ultrasound]
Dr [preparing gloves]: are you allergic to latex?
Me: yeah that’s why we’re here
Air conditioners are just human refrigerators
This pepper spray feels like no really meant no
My aunt said she was thankful for the best family in the world and I said “when are they coming?” and it MURDERED.
NEVER LET THE PUBLIC NAME STUFF.
My neck, my back, my…
[Tattoo Parlor]
Me: Hi, I’d like to get a tattoo on my calf.
Calf: *nervous mooing*
Going to the moon must be terrifying because you’ve got no way to tell if you’re seeing werewolves there or just regular moon wolves.
If you want to have fun with your kids, tell them the teacher called, then ask if there is something they need to tell you.
people will say “oh i love the vaccine” and then only get it once or twice
My boyfriend said no girlfriend of his will use social media.
So anyway, I’ll guess I’ll miss what’s his name.
THERAPIST: Anyways—
ME: “Anyways” isn’t a word. You mean “anyway”
THERAPIST: ANYWAY, we were talking about your difficulty making friends
I’m too young to always make noises when I bend down to pick something up off the ground
[lips on a snake]
WIFE: what are you doing?
ME: getting rid of the poison
WIFE: you’re supposed to suck your own bite
SNAKE: leave him alone
My forgiveness comes with the price of never forgetting.
I cried because my Wi-Fi was slow until I saw a guy stuck talking with his kids because he had no internet at all.
I made a recipe that called for aubergines. The grocery store didn’t have any so I substituted eggplants.
“babe, lauren. you always act like this when you do gin shots. you’re causing a scene”
I’m convinced that my soulmate is pizza
ME: I’ll have the steak
WAITER: with pleasure
ME: um no, with steak sauce
The world is my oyster. Too expensive to enjoy every day.
Purposely shows cop cleavage to get out of a ticket
Cop: is that an olive in there?
[Shark Tank]
Me: [holding tiny top] It’s called Blouses For Mouses™CEO: The plural of mouse is mice.
M: Ok, Blice for Mice™ then whatever
[ 9 months BC ]
Mary: *changes Facebook status to “it’s complicated”
“I just threw up in my mouth a little.” – Cows
[Luxury hotel planning meeting]
Fluffy pillows?
Absolutely.Soft towels?
Definitely.Quality toilet paper?
Sandpaper is fine.