Me: Ugh I’ve gained so much weight
Him: It’s ok, babe
Me: [my eyes turn black as the sky darkens; a swarm of locusts encircle us; a priest faints and a demonic voice exits my mouth uttering a simple sound] Oh?
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*swivels around in evil chair*
*evil laugh*
*pets evil cat*
*evil cat laughs*
*jumps out of evil chair*
“Holy shit, that cat just laughed!”
Happy birthday to all the women
snowmen are one of the cutest things about humanity tbh. like oh it snowed? why don’t we make a little guy about it
If you aggressively tailgate me in traffic, I will get over and let you pass. And then I’m gonna become your new best friend until one of us exits.
I got a 20% pay rise this year. Not from my employer; they couldn’t afford to give pay rises after the big bosses got their bonuses. I just stopped doing any work on the one day a week I work from home.
IMPORTANT ANNOUNCEMENT IN THE TWEET BELOW
Normalize never cutting our kids’ food into “fun” shapes or crusts of their bread so no parent is expected to fulfill those ludicrous demands ever again
Neighbor’s newborn won’t stop crying. Typical Taurus.
“I have found our arguments quite useful – almost as useful as those I had with my father.” – Spock and the guy I end up marrying.
My ex’s were all super hot
I found the key was using just the right amount of kindling
I haven’t asked any of my coworkers what they’re doing for Thanksgiving bc I treat people the way I want to be treated.
Policeman: Name please
Iggy Pop: Iggy Pop
Policeman: Your FULL name
Iggy Pop: (Quietly) Ignatius Poppadom
Shout out to people who text you and apparently throw their phone into a river as soon as they hit send?
[me at 22]
in a hurry, better run up this flight of stairs[me at 32]
i threw out my back because the toaster startled me
I had to deal with the most impatient and rudest cashier.
I’m never using self-checkout again.
Wife: He only hears what he wants to hear…
Therapist: Is this true?
Me: She’s right. Space Jam is the greatest movie of all time.
“Is this your resume?”
Yes
“It just says you used to leave shit at your friends’ doors, ring the bell & run away?”
Yes
“Welcome to UPS!”
A couple who are silly together stay together.
SERGEANT [on the radio]: mayday mayday we’ve located an enemy hotspot
ME [bullets dinging my helmet]: oooh get the password Sarge
fav for leaf bucket
RT for hot oil starch sticks
My dating profile:
[waffle house]
Waitress: how do u like your eggs
Me: hatched and with their families
W: no how do u like them cooked
M: [spits out coffee]
Have you ever met someone and thought “wow where have you been all my life? Now if you could please just hurry back there that would be super”
John Denver: Almost heaven-
Me: Wow the place he’s singing about must be amazing
John Denver: -West Virginia
Me: Ok
Me: go get em tiger!
Tiger: *mauls everyone*
There aren’t enough love songs about the moment you see your luggage appear at baggage claim.
toddler parkour is trying to find the slowest and most elaborate route to get anywhere
90s scientists: we cloned a sheep! we landed a robot on mars!
scientists today: for the last time, the earth is *round*
guy about to invent alarm clocks: i wish waking up early was worse
me: do you guys still give lollipops after sticking in the needle?
drug dealer: what?