Me: Ugh. Something I ate this morning didn’t agree with me.
[Inside my stomach]
Chicken Quesadilla: “The Notebook” was an overrated film.
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If you borrow my laptop and the volume is at 16% go wash your hands immediately
the biggest red flag in a relationship to me is when a partner tries to open the mysterious locked closet in my study with the doorknob that’s always somehow freezing cold after i’ve explicitly forbidden them from doing so! that or they like a movie that i don’t like
Glad the lady in front of me decided at the last second to stop at the yellow light as I prefer to eat my fries from the dashboard.
I wonder what the part of my brain that used to store people’s phone numbers is doing now.
saw a hinge profile that said “dom. cinephile.” like what, are you gonna tie me up with an HDMI cable and make me watch the seventh seal?
3 y/o, sobbing : I’VE JUST SWALLOWED MY SUPERMAN TOY!
Me: Ok calm down. I know exactly what you’ve got to do.
3 y/o: what?
Me: You’ve got to search for the hero inside yourself.
If you only see one raccoon getting a marriage proposal today, make it this one.
You know what they say about a guy with big hands?
He can carry more cheeseburgers.
mobster: *choking me with garrote*
me: ok NOW I’m wearing a wire lol
If I have to bless 3 or more of your sneezes, it’s an exorcism at that point. Sorry but you’re on your own.
*Handed a baby*
Awww he’s so cute. Do you have anything quieter?
Wife says I shouldn’t look at my phone in public because I get distracted and lose track of her and the kids. Can’t wait to tell her how wrong she is, once I find them at this Farmer’s Market.
Sometimes I pick another language on the ATM to see if I can make it all the way thru.
So I’m still broke, but now also in French.
I’m extremely grateful that spiders don’t scream back.
A co-worker is retiring, so they’re passing a card around filled with cash. I only took $10 but normally my signature is worth much more.
is it pronounced stephen or stefan? anyways he’s now pronounced dead, sorry about your dad kid *ruffles hair*
Google Search:
-is my toaster broken
-can fire ants make toast
-bathtub fire, small
-house fire, how to stop
-is house fire toast a thing?
Me: I made GORP for our hike
Her: peanut m&ms and miniature marshmallows
Me: yeah, in handy single servings
Her: they’re gallon ziplock bags
can’t stop reading about defunct consumer brands
I was driving home the other day, when suddenly a group of robbers jumped in and stole everything. They were pirates of the car I be in.
I start training at mime school on Monday.
So if you don’t hear from me…
everyone picked up a quirky new habit during the plague i started blaming the sun for everything
There was a fire at the Yankee Candle store. 8 killed. 19 injured. 1200 soothed.
You’re not a mistake.
Mistakes can be fixed.You’re hopeless.
Who called it a “Brazilian wax” and not “another way to skin the cat?
[first time at church]
me: *flipping through bible* do you guys do soups
Me : what’s that thing that’s not a bed
Husband: a chair?
Me: No
Husband: cheeseburgers?
Me: No come on!
Husband: mice?
Just done a HIIT workout and if anyone sees me trying to do that again just go ahead and hiit me in the face
[JOB INTERVIEW]
{Don’t let them know you’re a tectonic plate}
“What would you say is your biggest fault?”
San Andreas?
Car just drove through the front of my house, because he forgot his corrective lenses. It was a bad case of contactless delivery.