Me: ugh. The radio these days is full of bad news. Burglary over there, stabbing over here. Just turn it off please
Arresting officer: no
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Before you ask me to proofread anything, know that I spent 30 years thinking “FAQs” was short for “Facts”.
WIFE: *motions to me that she’s choking*
ME: *immediately dials 911*
911: what the emergency
ME: *handing her the phone* here u talk to them
still bigger than my 1st New York apartment
It’s impossible to lick your elbow. You never let me. Please. I want this.
Only wearing tennis skirts from now on and frankly disappointed in myself for not thinking of it sooner.
I had to cut my own toenails. This pandemic is bullshit.
HR: Once again – “Judy from the Internet said so” isn’t a valid excuse….
Me: But…
Can’t. About to go please some beans
If you breed Catdog with a catfish, you have a 25% chance of getting a pure cat.
Watch ‘Titanic’ backwards and it’s the feel-good story of a ship that rescues a bunch of drowning swimmers and takes them on a dream cruise.
[Invention of Tennis]
“…and you just try to hit it back to me”
Wow, that’s really simple
“Yeah, I wanted it to be very straightforward”
For sure that’s the best part about it
“Uncomplicated, you know what I mean?”
Exactly! No weird stuff
“Yeah”
So how do you keep score?
For fun, I steal my married friends phones & change my name to
‘Brandy from the club’
then repeatedly call them & hang up at 3am.#topahole
Thank you for the opportunity but I don’t think being human is a good fit for me. I’m going to go back to school to become an octopus
Construction sites are dangerous places. I nearly blacked out holding in my stomach as I walked past one.
when the waiter comes by to see how the food tastes and I’m not ready
My kids forgot the name of the game Marco Polo so they are currently playing Mario Luigi at the pool.
The Pixar lamp killed my Dad.
– i
“You hear from my lawyer?”
“He says he’s working on it, Stan.”
“I’m really losing it, Johnny.”
“Just be patient. You need anything?”
“Acorns, they’re like currency in here.”
Don’t let anyone tell you who you are unless you’re concussed and confused and genuinely need to know.
80% of adulthood is trying to figure out what upset your stomach.
Some days driving is like Russian roulette, but with squirrels.
My son rolls his eyes when I use his lingo and that’s why I continue to do so.
My daughter woke up at 5, because of crows outside. She stuck her head outside the window and said ‘Mum, the bird witches are calling me’ and to sum up I have my next book and also I need to call a priest
Synchronized diving would be far more interesting without the pool.
ME: I have zero interest in owning a parrot.
CLERK: This parrot is 80% off.
ME: I will take 4 parrots.
wrestling movies: im sad and i have something to prove to my dad
actual wrestlers: my name is Nutbuster Mike and i dont care if i die
Remember, if you start with, “It’s crazy to think…” you can say whatever you want.
Me: what make of dog is that?
Her: breed
Me [hands on knees]: I am, I’m just out of breath cos I ran over to ask what make of dog that is
ME: it was a dark and cold february morning in a town of secrets
ME: (feet on desk) the dame walked in like a panther lost in a Toys-R-Us – angry and full of questions
CUSTOMER: look do you have the book or not
ME: (lights cigar) she had bad news written all over her