Look, I’m not saying he’s a bad dentist. I’m just saying maybe you should check his references.
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Me: Your conspiracy theory is stupid.
Me anytime something weird happens in my house: It was a ghost. It’s the only logical explanation.
Astronomers believe a black hole that’s 5 centimeters wide might be orbiting the Sun somewhere beyond Pluto.
We’re not going to try to do anything about it.
And that’s how small problems become large problems.
Me: *eating a handful of goldfish*
Everyone else in the pet store: *watches in horror*
I am fed up with all these incest jokes about us Kentuckians. It’s offensive to me as well as Uncle Dad.
I should probably switch to water soon.
*A memoir
[using Ouija Board]
“Will i ever find true love–”
“NEW GHOST WHO DIS”
Apparently “never hesitate to tell her you love her” does not include yelling it through her window at 3am, I know this now.
it took three months to convince my barber to perform a root canal
Hates everyone who has a cooler birthstone than mine.
I just watched the girl next to me google “lack toast and tolerant symptoms”
Symptoms: you have no toast but it’s totally tolerable.
PISSED: teen gets fed up with teacher
“can i use the bathroom?”
“i don’t know, CAN you?”
*takes deep breath*
*pisses all over teachers desk*
[taking baby’s shoes off]
Oh what a surprise. Clean soles. It’s almost as if you were carried everywhere.
Sorry I hit you with my car over and over… but you kept getting up.
Music FACT: Australian singer-songwriter Sia has a younger sister called Wouldntwannabia.
When I find out you work in the medical profession, no matter the capacity, I will ask you to look at this rash. Just to annoy you
me: do you want more breakfast
6: no im full i have a small tummy
me: ok that’s fine you can-
6: not like you, have a big tummy, huge, it’s so big, not like my small one yours is so giant-
me: I SAID you can go now thanks
Non-stick pan manufacturers: Do not scrub the pan roughly
Also non-stick pan manufacturers: *will stick their label right in the middle of the pan with glue that never comes off easy*
Sleep is the best thing in the world
(Provided you get the chance to wake up)
“Sheer Arrogance”
my mom gave me a whistle in case you guys start giving me advice
THIS IS THE COPS, COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP
“No”
WE WON’T ASK AGAIN
“No”
Ok guys, let’s go. We can’t ask again
OH. COME. ON.
I don’t really argue with people. They just all end up washing ashore miles away under mysterious circumstances.
I mean, I’m smart, but I’m no Alfred Einstein.
Motherhood is complicated because we’ll share our whole body with our kids, but not our snacks.
I’ll be tweeting telepathically today, so if you think of something funny, that’s me.
Dear commercial,
If my family follows your advice and gives me Fitbit or exercise gear for Mother’s Day, prepare yourself for a lawsuit.
Very funny, whoever wrote WASH ME in the dust on my box of condoms.
Don’t be afraid to start over. I’m now on my third body.
My two-year-old just made up her own ukulele song. It seems to be called “Even if I was never born (I would still want a popsicle)”