My kids would rather hide a plate in the most obscure, hard to reach places in our home just so they don’t have to take a 5 second walk and return it to our kitchen.
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I didn’t even know my grandma had a gun until I coughed at her house.
Ok, don’t panic… If we hold the North and South Pole down simultaneously for eight seconds, it’ll automatically restore to factory settings.
If you watch Benjamin Buttons backwards it’s very confusing bc you can’t understand what people are saying
It says here on your resume that you’re “good at traps,” could you expand on that while I investigate this pile of leaves on the floor?
I’m sorry, I’m about to lose you because I’m driving through a tunnel underwater in a canyon on an airplane while hanging up the phone.
Forget carrying me to bed; carry me to the end of the workweek. Then we can talk
My husband washed my favorite sweatshirt (he’s so sweet) and I said please don’t put it in the dryer, it will shrink.
Husband, taking clothes out of the dryer an hour later, “Here’s your favorite sweatshirt I washed for you! It looks smaller though, weird.”
Lady paid me $50 to paint the name “Inspiration” on her boat because “that’s what she is”
Considering writing “The Sea Word” instead.
Naked and Afraid but it’s just me, on the couch, wondering if it’s safe to bite into my Hot Pocket
Well at least the world isn’t spinning uncontrollably around a huge ball of fire.
I’m white, but not like “has a golden retriever named Chance” white.
364 days a year: Kids, don’t take candy or rides from strangers.
1 day a year: Go trick or treat in that rich neighborhood. Take an Über.
Asking my boyfriend if he’d still love me if I was one of those weird aliens that drank coffee and babbled angrily at Men in Black passing by
Me, an intellectual: A spam and banana sandwich would be called a spamananawich.
Interviewer: It says in your CV that you are quick at maths. What is 23 x 39?
Me: 69.
Interviewer: That’s not even close.
Me: No, but it was quick, isn’t it?
Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon?
I heard the food was good but it had no atmosphere.
MAGICIAN: Think of a number, any number.
ME: *thinks for a bit* …k
MAGICIAN: That is a letter.
ME: omg ur right
Me: (Sigh) There she is.
Him: Sounds like you’re still carrying a torch for her.
Me: Yea, like the villagers carried one for Frankenstein!
Lorde wrote her Grammy nominated album at age 14. My son is 13 and has let the bathtub overflow twice while he was sitting INSIDE of it.
Shout out to all the dormant volcanoes out there, just chillin’, keepin’ that magma to themselves and whatnot.
When someone is talking on their phone in a public restroom, I flush repeatedly
Still waiting on Gwen Stefani to release a song explaining budgeting.
If she licks all the frosting off her face with a single 360 degree sweep of the tongue, she might be Scooby Doo.
Snakes are refusing to fly on Boeing Max planes.
I thought I was experiencing early menopause but it turned out one of my kids set the thermostat to 87°.
I just got the lawnmower out and just like magic my sons disappeared
Fat chances are my favorite chances
Me: it’s just a few spoonfuls of ice cream, why are you freaking out?
Him: that’s a ladle
Her: How do you like your bacon?
Me: In bulk