Me: Ugh, these edibles are crap. I don’t feel a thing.
Cockroach sitting next to me on the sofa: Tell me about it, sister.
You Might Also Like
I’ll defend my wife in any situation, and if we ever see a killer clown I hope she can run as fast as me.
“What attracted you to our company?”
Well, I heard you pay money in exchange for work
When a shoelace touches your ankle
me: I may have added too much salt
my snail girlfriend: my brothers will avenge me
If I win the Powerball, I’m going to make golf illegal.
Me: you should join Twitter.
Them: I don’t even like people.
Me: then you’re gonna love it.
How did harry potter get down the hill?? Walking .. JK Rownling
*6 opens piggy bank*
Me: wtf where’d you get all that?
6: mommy said I could take $1 out of your wallet each day bc you’d never know
Establish dominance over your grandma by giving her a crisp $5 bill on her birthday.
When you text “Hugs” to someone and autocorrect decides what they really need is a lesson in particle physics and changes it to “Higgs”.
[1st date]
HER: I’m really into PETA
ME: [trying to impress] I love dipping it in hummus
Squirrels: 1,538
My dogs: -17
I ate the worst cake of my life today, but then again that must have been why it was free at the urinal.
I’d like to learn a second language. I’ve narrowed it down to either Spanish or Canadian.
I’m not the girl you should put on speakerphone.
My 3yo just ate a bunch of almonds and complained his chin hurt from the salt.
I asked him if he wanted a wet napkin to help.
He said he needed a dinner roll to help it.
Now he’s holding a King’s Hawaiian Roll on his chin.
[used car lot]
Customer: Do you have any mini vans?
Me: No, we sell cars…but there is a kid’s shoe store near the mall
creepiest cooking vid i’ve ever seen
I always make sure the garage door is shut. Wouldn’t want hoodlums stealing the stuff I’ve been meaning to get rid of for years; hell, decades
why is covid-19 trending does anyone know
WIFE: you’ve had enough
ME (eating my 68th breadstick): aw man
OLIVE GARDEN MANAGER: let him eat one more lol
HR: Did you call an employee stupid?
Me: No, I asked if he knew he was stupid.
Cashier: That will be $82.07.
Me: I’d like to use my 8 trillion rewards points towards this.
Cashier: That will be $82.03.
I secretly replaced my husbands coffee with the empty toilet paper roll he left in the bathroom. Let’s see if he notices.
I’m not necessarily saying that my female ancestors escaped shitty marriages with poison but I am saying that I come from a long line of avid gardeners who outlived their husbands by decades.
Morning school bus was 8 minutes late so [leaves 1-star Yelp review]
Overheard:
“I think that creepy guy is listening to our conversation.”
BAILIFF: Please state your name for the courtroom.
SCOOBY: Scooby Doo.
BAILIFF: Your FULL name.
SCOOBY: Scooby Doobie Doo.
orange in the 60s, mus in the 70s, poon in the 80s, wu in the 90s. – the history of tang
My boss at the stencil factory once asked me to make a template for work, so next morning I went to the temp’s house and let her tyres down