ME: ugh turn this off, I hate depressing movies
GOD: This is your life flashing before your eyes
ME: Put Ratatouille on
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Not to brag but I reminded two people to drink water today. They were already at the cooler, but still
No, I would NEVER put you on mute
Billion dollar technology idea:
A printer that works
(pretending to be well-read to impress a girl)
War and Peace? Yeah I loved that one
“What was your favorite part?”
I’d have to say the Peace
Congratulations a celebrity blocked you. You were so annoying that they noticed you through all the Twitter noise. You must be a real prize.
*pulls all the hair out of my brush and places it all over my dog*
I used to think Urethra was the name of a heavy metal band, until I found out it was actually a brand of vacuum cleaner.
Don’t forget drink water and get some sunlight because you’re basically a house plant with more complicated emotions
OPTIMUS PRIME: This is just because I’m also a car. I want to be clear, you being inside me is not sexual for me.
ME: Okay but you saying it that way every time makes me feel like it might be.
Got a phone call and the caller ID said NYC Human. That sure narrows down the list of who it can be doesn’t it?
mom, dad i’d like you to meet someone, this is hornyboy12 he slid into my DMs to tell me he’s in love with me based on the highly curated version of myself i present online we’re gonna get married
I made a joke about how sweet it is that twenty men I don’t know dm me to ask me how I’m doing and this old dude commented “only 20? Out of 33k?” And like damn that hurt. The rest of you 32,980 better pony up or this old dude is gonna know I’m not sexy 😭
Boyf said I look really pretty when I’m concentrating…I realised its cos I’m quiet! Either way it’s the last time I let him watch me poo
“Do not touch” must be one of the scariest things to read in braille.
me: son, you’re adopted
son: WHAT
me: no no it’s a good thing, it means we actually wanted you
daughter: WHAT
writer: you know how cats chase mice?
producer: yea?
writer: this one has a twist
producer: *leaning back* go on
writer: the mouse outsmarts the cat
producer: *slamming hands on desk* preposterous!
writer: i call it tom & jerry
producer: *wiping tears* those are my names
Never Never Never tell someone you are patient.
They will test you…
My 6 yr old just asked if I’m a happy wife.. her cover is blown I think she might be working for the other side
Me: Hello darkness, my old friend
Darkness: *rolls eyes*
Getting high with witches sounds super cool until they start looking at you and whispering about sacrifices.
Don’t forget to tip your server
When I was a kid, there were actually six oceans: The Pacific, Atlantic, Indian, Antarctic, Arctic and Billy.
Ughhhh my neck is killing me ..
*how I slept
“Nine Foods You Should Never Eat Again”
Also known as the contents of my refrigerator.
My favorite question is “are you a real person?” and the answer is no. I’m a sewer rat who discovered an old iphone and is now using it for nefarious purposes. Hope that settles that.
Married life is waking up early to preheat your wife’s car. Then taking $10 out her purse as a tip for your services.
*fills the ice tray once*
I’M THE ONLY ONE WHO DOES ANYTHING IN THIS PLACE
Watching two cows do naughty things to each other in a bush. They been reading the Farmer Sutra lol
My second child was so overdue, when we left the hospital we dropped her off at kindergaten.
“It’s just me, my board, and my iron, catching some sweet sweet wrinkles.”