@TheMichaelRock: A Nicki Minaj song makes way more sense if you make up your own lyrics.

@_troyjohnson: Ugly Duckling is my favorite story that teaches kids it's okay to look weird for a while as long as u get ur act together and become hot.

@trevso_electric: I got this "breathe" tattoo on my wrist because I don't have a central nervous system and it's a helpful reminder.

@kyle_thatisall: Netflix would be by far the best dating site. "Here are 9 other singles in your area who have also watched Pokemon for 12 straight hrs"

@KizerBillhelm: I just got a Facebook invite to my brother's non-alcoholic Mormon wedding. I dunno which part of that sentence makes me want to cry more.