@simoncholland: Sorry I'm late, I was waiving my hands at a paper towel dispenser that turned out to not be automatic.

@thenatewolf: God's Assistant: really? Leather wings on a mouse's body? I think you're just in a bad mood. God: ALSO MAKE IT BLIND AND SCREECHING

@PaperWash: Perfect Date: 1) Get kids out of the house 2) Light some candles 3) Burn the house down 4) Collect the insurance 5) Take her somewhere nice

@Ohgoddessitsme: I just accidentally opened the door for a jehovah's Witness and he took one look at me and just walked away.

@CatherineLMK: Being an adult is like watching a foreign movie with no subtitles in a crowded theater, everyone else knows what's going on and you just nod