Me: !!Ugh!! YOUR DAMN DOG IS STARING AT ME AGAIN!
Him: Just ignore him.
Me: I’m trying!
Him: I was talking to the dog…
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instead of texting “on my way” I’m just going to start sending these
Football Team: Huddle up!
Me: Mm, this is nice
FT: Who are you
Me: So warm, so snug
FT: Break. Break now!
Me: Don’t go nice man-castle
What’s the most ridiculous demand a customer has made of you? I’ll go first: when I was working retail, a woman once demanded I pick her up from her Botox appointment with my car & bring her to the mall to shop
Boss: And you’re not showing the new people around until you stop referring to the washroom as “where the magic happens”
Me, on phone with mom, “I’m drinking a glass of rose’ paired with a warm, toasted strawberry crumble.”
Husband, “You’re drinking wine from a box and eating a pop tart.”
Me, finger to my mouth, “Shhhh….”
All I’m saying is if I’m a nearby country previously occupied by the British, the queen is dead, the monarchy is tanking public trust via photoshop, the spare is in California making podcasts, and the real government blew through 3 prime ministers in a year + brexit, I’m invading
A wine sampling? How delightful. I’d also like to experience only a titch of love and a morsel of happiness.
“You’ve got something in your teeth”
Me: that always happens when I have porcupine for lunch
Kid, if you don’t know whether your Batman costume is pre or post reboot continuity, you don’t deserve candy. Also, Batman doesn’t cry.
You know who brings a knife to a gun fight?
Cannibals.
And also a fork.
i’ve got a body like a sack of potatoes but a personality like a french fry
Nephew drops my iPad, doesn’t say sorry but proceeds to offer me a biscuit.
His future in Politics is secure.
-Guess I’m thankful for that patron who always asks for a bunch of things that don’t exist and always ends up getting mad at us.
-The guy who just called and said he’d be here in ten minutes? Why in the world does he make you feel thankful?
-Because I go on break in five minutes.
i will avenge u mr van gogh
M: The boss left a memo on my desk again about how awesome I am.
H: You’re a stay-at-home mom.
M: Yes, which explains my handwriting.
Shoutout to headline writers, making their own fun.
* Grows beard to woo women *
* Receives recruitment email from ISIS *
Marriage teaches you a lot about yourself. For instance, I’ve learned that I don’t need to use so many paper towels, and they’re expensive.
My cat has made it very clear that we will not be getting rid of the box that I want to get rid of.
Me: What are you doing?
My 6yo: [buttering the piano] Nothing.
Me- owns 2 pairs of pants
My 8 month old, who has no where to go-
I lost my dad with a cart full of ginger ale and sweet potato chips at a grocery store and found him arguing about focaccia bread with a manager in case you were wondering how white my parents are.
Any weekend is a Vampire Weekend if you can’t look at yourself in the mirror afterwards.
*Baby presses ‘snooze’ to stay in womb extra 10 minutes*
*death metal voice*
BUTTERRRRRR
Me: I CAN’T BELIEVE THAT PERSON THINKS I LOOK LIKE I’M IN MY LATE THIRTIES
Also me: is 40
North West: Daddy what were you famous for?
Kanye: Rapping, Son. North West: mommy what
were you famous for? ((awkward silence))
I have Facebook like reflexes.
“Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?”
*throws a book and hits you right in the face*
Always be kind. You never know who might own a hot tub.