Me: uh oh someone’s under the mistletoe!
Raccoon I’ve cornered in the garage: [hisses angrily]
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1970s: “Hey baby”
1990s: “Hey babe”
2014: “Hey bae”
2020: “Hey b”
2030: “All hail our glorious squirrel overlords”
[At party]
Wife: Don’t pretend you’re deaf again, so you don’t have to talk to people
Me [in sign language]: What?
I’ve been Catholic for years and still have no idea which murders I should confess and which I should keep to myself.
Wouldn’t be mad at all if I found this instead of staples
My wife was shocked when she found out I was a bad electrician.
Hey! This is your home!
It’s kinda messy… but you’ll get use to that!-my 6yo, welcoming his new baby sister 😂😂💀
Wrote a manifesto using Google Translate so if I ever murder someone I can plead insanity.
Gf: We’re gonna be late for our dinner reservation
Me: Hang on, I’m right at the end of my book
Gf: FFS he’s there, behind that tree
Me: Waldo you rascal!
I went to church today just to thank God I’m not Miley Cyrus.
My dream guy is hot, funny and smart. And he’ll ask me to marry him with a green lantern ring. And he has powers. And a castle. And Yoshi.
When you put :/ at the end of your text I know you had a terrible stroke and call 911.
I guess I’m getting old. Now when I hear “Pour Some Sugar On Me” I think of 2 things. Who’s cleaning it up and I hope we don’t get ants.
I don’t remember my password, so I’ll just start my hundredth new account.
-Everyone’s mom
gf: its over I can’t be with someone so cheap with such a bad temper
me: arghhh *grabs lamp and places it on it’s side against the wall*
*waiter pouring wine*
Say when sir
*wine slowly fills up the restaurant*
me: can I get uhhhh… what’s in a combo number 5?
Lou Bega: *deep breath*
People who dip their pizza in ranch dressing have killed and will kill again.
Taco Bell is the only place you can still get gas for $1.29
6-year-old: When I grow up, do I have to get a job?
Me: Only if you want food and shelter.
6: *carefully considers her options*
bouncer: I’m going to have to ask you to leave
me: why
bouncer: I have no idea who you are and this is my trampoline
Girls adore it when you guess their weight as they walk by.
Nothing is worse than having jock itch. ESPECIALLY within 100 ft of a school or playground.
I reached for my bagel at a weird angle and now I need a chiropractor.
Met someone on Craigslist, guess I’m dating a grill now.
I wrote: You’ll always have a place in my heart.
AC sent: You’ll always have a place in my hearse.Now “staying friends” seems unlikely.
People should be able to call in healthy: “Look, I’m not coming into the office today. I feel really good and I don’t want to waste it on being at work “
happy mother’s day❤️
This flight attendant literally just finished going over safety protocols and said “thank you to those who listened, and good luck to those of you who didn’t. Truly, good luck.” Lmfaooooo
Person: Hi, my name is *my brain plays 3 seconds of air horn*
Me: I’m sorry, what was that?
Person: I’m *air horn*
Me: Again?
Person:
MOVIE IDEA: Jurassic Park, but the fences all work and everyone just has a really lovely time.