My wife wants me to go to Zumba with her. I am hopeful that this is a place to get burritos.
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HIM: I’m not crying, you’re crying
ME: we’re all crying, this is a funeral
i’m taking care of a guys owl next week and he just sent me this list of rules. what the hell
Kids today have no idea how good they have it. They’ve got fancy electronics, cartoons on tv every day, and even tooth colored fillings.
I like the idea of almond milk, but then I can’t get the image out of my head of someone milking a nut.
I ran into the guy who delivered my pizzas a couple nights ago at a concert and he didn’t even remember who I was. Never meet your heroes.
[intensive care]
NURSE: I’ll never leave your side, DO YOU HEAR ME?!
ME [patient]: wow, I didn’t realize how intense the care was here.
They say you’ll never forget your first kiss, but what they don’t tell you is you will also never forget the first time you throw up everything you consumed at the state fair.
“Barista” is Italian for BA in liberal arts.
Uber is going to choose a new CEO in 4 minutes. Now 5 minutes. Shit now it’s 11 minutes away, why is it going in the opposite direction
The “Skip Ad” countdown on Youtube is more exciting than an Apollo launch.
I used to play the triangle in a reggae band but left because it was just one ting after another.
Some of my friends are discussing why Harrison Ford is still playing Indiana Jones but honestly, having an 80-year-old professor not retire is like the most accurate part of the franchise
[husband opening refrigerator]
Me: “What are you looking for?”
Him: “I don’t know, but I’m sure we don’t have it”
“This is a robbery! Be cool and nobody gets hurt!”
ME: *starts vaping*
Even if you’re fully vaccinated the CDC recommends finishing some of the books on your shelf before buying new ones
The fact that the Oscars doesn’t have a host doesn’t bode well for Parasite.
When an ex mansplains something to you it’s called “explaining”
I gave a yelp review once.
In my defense, it was my first bikini wax.
ok i’m just gonna say it… it seems petty that money comes out of my account every *single* time i buy something. give me a break
Anyone else ever wondered how long it would take a giraffe to throw up ?
[hospital]
“I’m afraid it’s bad news. Your husband will never walk again”
“Oh God, he’s paralysed?”
“No, someone’s bought him rollerblades”
oppen heimer style lol
Gentle reminder that you forgot to lock your door and I am in your living room
I have a PhD
Pretty
Huge
Drinkingproblem
pls stop saying grace,,,you are diverting God from solving crimes
Me: Excuse me, may I have a straw please?
*entire restaurant gasps*
#SexEdWontTeachYou how to deal with idiots…
[alphabet committee]
Boss: what are the vowels
Designer: a e i o and u
Boss: sometimes i think we need another one
Designer: why
Boss: ok
I can no longer listen to the radio. The risk of being welcomed to the jungle is too great.
Him: idk, i just.. i feel like you’re trying to boil me into soup
me, throwing carrots and potatoes into a giant cauldron: babe, you sound crazy right now