ME: *unbuttoning shirt* Sorry, it’s hot in here and I’m really nervous.
INTERVIEWER: I understand but please stop unbuttoning my shirt.
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When my first baby was born, we didn’t have smart phones to look at while cradling a baby so she stays sleeps, so I had to balance a hard backed library book without dropping it on her head which is no easy feat I tell ya.
Wish I could cry like movie people with one graceful tear tracking down my face instead of looking like a tomato that fell on the floor.
Going to start a band called The Subtweets. All songs will contain cryptic lyrics that incite paranoia in the crowd.
squirrels pondering the nature of why they end up on the wire they just jumped from a moment ago
I was just interrogated by my 7yo who, frankly, was SHOCKED to discover her dad is my first and only husband and I don’t want to know what that says about me
The occupations on ‘The Bachelorette’ are getting out of hand.
Thanks to the vaccine, I can now get in a car and argue with relatives in person.
1st Guy: So it’s agreed we’ll call it “4 Guys Burgers and Fries” .
2nd Guy: I think we should call it “Four Guys” instead of “4 Guys”.
3rd Guy: I agree.
4th Guy: I actually prefer “4 Guys”.
1st Guy: I think we’re going to need a fifth guy.
[lying in bed after sex] my dad hit someone with his minivan in 1989.
Top Four Signs of Job Security:
4. Promotions and raises
3. Specialized skills
2. Top producer
1. Compromising photos of the boss
@brookeG105 @SwedishCanary @funTweeters @Mad_Humor
10yo: How do you make a math book happy?
Me: IDK. How?
10yo: Solve the problems.
Someone give her a Dad Card. She’s ready.
Fun Fact:
If you answer your phone, “Christ speaking”, 70% of the callers will hang up on you.
You’re welcome.
My only stock options are chicken and beef.
[Interview room]
Me: I’m not saying a word without my lawyer presentCop: You ARE the lawyer
Me: So where’s my present?!
Is it lovers quarrel or lover squirrel?
either way, couples therapy is going great
A hearty round of applause for Starbucks, please.
My plan to entomb myself like a pharaoh in a pyramid stocked with everything I’ll need in the afterlife is in jeopardy because I keep eating all the Oreos.
*patting my infant son on the back*
you can fit a whole airplane in this baby
[gazing into The mirror of Erised]
Harry Potter: *sees his dead parents that he’s never met*
Ron Weasley: *sees a Taco Bell opening in Diagon Alley*
Posting this on behalf of a friend
Our credit card was stolen but
I decided not to report it ….The thief is spending less
than my wife did.
Maybe OCD could pick up a mop once in a while
So true for me
100% of divorces begin with marriage.
Me: I live on an Emu farm.
Them: are all of the animals really sad?
Me: Emu not emo.
50 Shades of Letting People on the Train Know You’re Not Getting Laid
A monarchy is crowning a new king & later we’ll watch horses run in a circle for entertainment. Tonight I’m gonna party like it’s 1199.
Guy Who Invented the Jet Engine: this will revolutionize the travel industry
Guy Who Really Hates Geese: yeah that too
Damn girl are you a bra because ur very supportive but I can’t figure out how to get you off