ME: [unbuttoning shirt] There’s only one way to settle this. Dance off!
CUSTODY ATTORNEY: No
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I love how pervasive pockets are. We have jacket pockets, pants pockets, pockets of space, pockets of time, pockets of air, and pizza pockets. Thanks for reading.
[College admissions office]
“Sorry sir you can’t transfer your street cred for college credits”
ME: that’s wack
INTERVIEWER: Under special skills, you wrote you can be distant and vague?
ME: *staring out the window* Idk, maybe.
New friend: want 2 go tanning w/me tmrw?
Me: ok. sounds fun. idk where 2 get cowhides. do u?
I don’t know if I’m still tired or already tired.
Everyone’s an atheist until they’re making a phone call & praying it goes to voicemail
“My god…we’re monsters,” I murmured to a local monster, who nodded sympathetically
Grandkids are basically puppies for old people.
If pharmaceutical companies have taught me anything, they’ve taught me that people with life threatening illnesses love to hike.
If they served grilled cheese sandwiches at communion, I’d go to church more often.
Hearing them call a 25 year old hockey player a ‘veteran’ and a 28 year old player ‘old’ has done zilch for my self esteem today
Me: “I’d like to return this lube because it doesn’t work right”
Walmart associate: “Ma’am, that’s hand sanitizer”
Person behind me: “I’ll take it!”
10pm: If I fall asleep now, I can get a full eight hours of sleep.
12am: If I fall asleep now, I can get a solid six hours of sleep.
2am: If I fall asleep now, I can still get four hours of sleep.
4am: If I fall asleep now, I can hopeful get two hours of sleep.
6am: If I FML
Nobody has worn an adult diaper to drive across the country to confront a rival for my affections. What bullshit is this?
robber: give me all the cheddar or i’ll shoot
me: here take my wallet i don’t want trouble
robber: no i just need cheese for my ham sandwich
me: what do you think is in my wallet
Caregiver and caretaker mean the same thing?
That’s bullshit.
If you’ve ever planned anything with more than five people, then you know no conspiracy could possibly be real.
Yes, I put a semicolon in a tweet. What else am I supposed to do with my English degree?
Wife just read through all my tweets.
Her eyes are very slowly rolling back into place.
YOU’VE GOTTA BE SHITTING ME, CAROL.
*grabs face*
*whispers*
You’re goddamn right I have a few minutes to hear about your new pedometer.
I was craving BBQ for dinner but my wife ordered Chinese. She showed a wonton disregard for my feelings.
I’ll bet the first ever drive thru window resulted in an incredible amount of broken glass.
Instead of a sock on your door, hang a doughnut. Not only is Doughnut Disturb hilarious, you provide a snack for your now homeless roommate.
My date telling me that I reminded her of her father would have made me feel much less uncomfortable at dinner than it did the next morning.
My 7 year old: *staring at my face*
Me: What is it, sweetie?
My 7 year old: Is my nose weird, too?
Kids are delightful.
If you can’t say anything nice, say something funny.
Phones can’t detect my thumbprint. My career as a cat burglar is about to take off.
The trick to sneaking a mug full of vodka is to occasionally blow on it like it’s hot.
I’ve always been such a “waiting for the other shoe to drop” type of girl.
I’ve decided I’m now going to be the “throw the shoe at your head and run first” kind of girl.
Sasquatch: *to tv camera* Tonight we will try a human call and hope for a response. *clears throat* 🎵Sweet Caroline🎵
From a distance: 🎵Bah bah bah🎵
Sasquatch: You heard that! It was a human!
Camera Sasquatch: I don’t know. Could be a bird.